"Why don't companies ever ask me to do a product review of their stupid product?" I asked my friend, K-.
"Maybe because you refer to them as stupid?"
You can't read too many blogs before running into one who's shilling something, in return for free shit. I can dig that. I mean, do I really think that you believe Cool Whip is bringing your family together, or that Special K helped you repair the damaged relationship with your Daddy? No, but I can appreciate a blogger willing to credit Jiffy Lube with saving the life of their child in order to get free oil changes for life.
Because, let's face it - we all love free shit.
Crappy continental breakfast, with weak coffee and stale danish? I'll eat it, IT'S FREE! Those gross little mints in the dish at the restaurant register, that every little kid in the joint has had their hands in (no doubt after picking their nose, or butt, or both)? Yummy and FREE! Hotel soaps, lotions, shower caps? Are you kidding? Load me up with those bitches! I could create an entire Pinterest board of crafts I could have made with all the shower caps I've taken from hotels.
But SFC isn't that kind of blog. If it were, I can think of a few companies who might be interested in making me a deal -
Splenda & Coffeemate: My love of these two is well documented. Coffee (which I drink a lot of, by the way) is just not complete without the mouth coating, chemical awesomeness of this duo. My endorsement - "Splenda and Coffeemate: Two awesome fucking chemicals, awesome together."
Always Maxi Pads with wings: I just had dinner with a friend who commented, "What grown woman wears these?". That would be some perimenopausal woman whose pants look like a goddamn murder scene every time she goes to the bathroom. My endorsement - "Always with Wings: Ginormous pads for those times when your drawers are an episode of CSI: My Panties."
Monistat Anti-Chafing Gel: WHOA WHOA WHOA, you may be saying. First, period talk and now freaking Monistat? When did this become The Vagina Monologues? Settle down, folks. I use this stuff on MY FACE. It's actually not crotch cream at all, despite the name. And the silicone base makes it the perfect, inexpensive make-up primer. It's a not so secret secret, and once you get over the idea of smearing something from Monistat on your face, it is great stuff. My endorsement - "Monistat Anti-Chafing Gel: Not your mama's vag cream!"
I expect these companies, and many others, will be contacting me shortly, begging me to review their products. Sorry, folks, it's not that kind of blog.
But you can still send the free stuff.
50 minutes ago