Sunday, May 1, 2011


In honor of prom season, that oversexed, overdressed month which is the pinnacle of every angst-filled teenage life, I pulled out my prom pictures.

I went to two junior proms, dressing simply, elegantly, and keeping my hair within a two-foot radius around my head. But for Senior Ball, well - I blew that shit out. 

I don't think the pictures do the Giant Green Monstrosity justice. It was emerald taffeta, with a lace overlay on the bodice, and the sleeves entirely of lace. I also want to note that the mid-80s travesty I am sitting on does not belong to my parents. Our house was tastefully decorated with things like wagon wheel coffee tables and horse collar mirrors. Mama didn't do tacky ass floral prints. And is that a giant console TV in front of me? Why yes, yes it is.

I am not sure what the hell is going on with my eyebrows, except that I apparently had not yet made friends with a tweezer. The hair took HOURS (no exaggeration), as it is naturally wicked thick and stick straight. I cranked the Richard Caruso Molecular Hairsetter up to HIGH and rolled and rolled and rolled. There are peace treaties that have been crafted in less time than I spent on my hair.

I hit the tanning bed the day prior and overdid it. You may notice the red glow of my arms through the lace. My poor arms were so hot, girls in strapless dresses huddled around me like a bunch of hobos for warmth.

I went with some ugly bitches!

I had a mad crush on the boy I asked to prom (gasp!) and had he wanted to get frisky (which he didn't? What guy could resist that hotness?), there is no way I could have played through the pain. In fact, my date and his stupid ass Dutch Boy haircut were so lame, I spent much of the evening regretting asking him, and thanking my lucky stars I had such fun friends to hang out with. Note to moms sending their daughters off to prom with boys who have suspect haircuts: Get them good and sunburned first. 

Our Senior Ball theme was "A Night to Remember", and - 21 years later - I suppose it was. But for entirely different reasons than I thought it would be. That's a good thing. 

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  1. That's a pretty amazing dress all right. I sure would like to see the other dresses that weren't quite so memorable...

  2. Holy Crap! I hadn't thought about the Richard Caruso molecular hair rollers in YEARS! Too funny . . . . Morgan's prom is Saturday (yikes!)

  3. Kelly! You are hilarious! And keeping the pictures in their PROPER context of, what, late 80's?, you are a Breakfast Club Goddess! Oh and those eyebrows... Like-a-Virgin-Madonna would have killed for them!