Wednesday, January 16, 2013

I Cannot Write

 I cannot write, right now, because I am too busy playing Candy Crush Saga. If you know what this is, you understand. If you don't, please don't go looking for it, it will consume your life. 

I cannot get past Level 74, and it is making me crazy. I came within 1 FRIGGING ACORN and ran out of moves. I seriously teared up. 

And this is why I can't write. Level 74.

Also, because I am at that jumping off place. 

My house is kind of a mess and I haven't gone for a run in months and the ends of my toenails are blue, the last slivers of a color painted at the beginning of November. I honestly can't remember the last time I shaved my legs. I have two good stories to tell you and no energy to write them. 

"How are you doing?", asks my friend Y-. 

Weird. I am doing weird.

When I started this blog, I did so with the intent of keeping up with faraway friends and family. I had no idea that people made money from blogs. I had no idea who Dooce was. 

Before this blog, I had never written anything longer than a response to a message board post. I was a good reader, a good thinker, sometimes funny. And now here I am a couple of years later, walking around with my chest puffed out calling myself a writer. Sometimes it feels very much like a sham. 

Sometimes it feels like this is the best thing I've ever done short of those three perfect children. Sometimes, I want to kick myself and say, what are you doing, you are so lazy! I should be submitting things and being more active and consistent and engaging. But then I get distracted by washing machines and special snack and soccer registration and play rehearsal. 

And Candy Crush Saga, Level 74.

So here I am, at a jumping off place. I will, I will, I will jump.

As soon as I get to Level 75.


  1. The pizza game on Webkinz was my downfall.

  2. HERE. If you read this, it will make you feel better for ten whole minutes:

    I am doing weird, too, but I think that it normal for me. You seem pretty put together by contrast. I can't stand that you didn't even write two years ago. What a nerve you have being this good! (This is me, cheering you up.)

    Before my blog, I wasn't a writer either, except in my own head. If occasionally scrawling things on paper throughout childhood and adolescence makes me a writer, then I am one. Otherwise, I was just highly verbal and depressed. So, now that I've stepped up my pretense of writing, there's all this new crap to do and it turns out I really just want to have a small little life with silly little entertainments and the vague notion that I could have been great. Then there's a whole other part of me that wants to fight for more, damn the results. So, I sit and gnaw at my manuscript until it bleeds, knowing that it will never really be published, but it might help make me good. And take lots of Facebook breaks.

    I get it. Write one more thing. Harder than the last. Chew it up. Show it to someone. And then play a little Candy Crush. Kiss a kid. Live to fight another day. I'm with you all the way.

  3. Ppfftt. I have you beat. My blog is 9 years old and you have more readers in your infancy than I do in my 9 "tween" years total. Feel better yet? My biggest problem is that I have great stories in my head but hesitate when it comes to putting them on the site because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.

    So.. what's your problem again?

    Oh and I am so sporadic with Candy Crush that I have no clue what level I'm on..

  4. Jump, run, write...the first time back is the hardest. Here's hoping we can all get out of our January weird.

  5. Hmmm, you write better when you say you can't write than I write when I say I can write.


    (you will get your groove back, it might have slipped down into the keyboard of your computer)

  6. Ruby Blast on Facebook. It's ridiculous. I just have to get all of the gold stars. It soothes me, I tell myself, it allows me to think. Or it makes my brain ooze out my ears.

    There seems to be an epidemic of weird going around. Symptoms: odd obsessions, listlessness, crushing doubt and questionable hygiene. Got it in spades over here.

    We're all rooting for you, Kelly. You can beat level 74.

  7. Would it make you feel any better for me to tell you that I can't write a creative story worth a darn and I love coming here to see what you've written next? It's all true! Sorry you're feeling weird. Weird happens.

  8. Aww. Well, you're not alone. I'm playing Creeper World instead of writing. I've been trying to stop for days.

  9. Kelly, I'm sorry, but I have to tell's not an acorn. People don't usually eat acorns. It's a hazelnut.

    I got past Level 74 after a couple of weeks and a complete breakdown of my "no real $ on fb games rule", but am totally stumped at 124 or something like that. I had to go back to bubble witch to feel like I succeeded at something. :-/