Monday, October 12, 2020

Everything Sucked, and Then Somebody Died

 

Everything sucked, and then somebody went and died. As if things weren’t bad enough already, on top of the virus and riots and elections and virtual schooling and working from home, somebody went and died.

I should stop right there and capitalize Virus. Because it is a capital, isn’t it? A capital pain in the ass. You know what you can’t do during The Virus (article added for emphasis)? Have a big funeral for someone amazing and loved and missed. Somebody who went and died.

What you can do, what you do, is sit around feeling empty and incomplete. Like you walked out of the house without pants on or maybe you forgot to turn off the stove. But you are so numb you say fuck it, I’ll walk around without pants on, or let the house burn down.

Everyone wants to ask you if the person died from The Virus and you want to remind them that people die from things other than viruses. People keep on dying from cancer and heart attacks and strokes. People choke on chicken bones and get hit by buses. People die when they’re old and when they’re young, when they don’t deserve it, because of hate and fear and violence and dumb damned luck. It doesn’t matter how, it never matters how, but we want to assign reason so it seems real. Because by naming it we can explain this process and our feelings and see that one day, we won’t feel like there’s an elephant sitting on our chest.

Remember back before The Virus when somebody went and died and you could just be consumed with your own personal grief? When you didn’t have to walk around feeling discounted because you’re just really fucking sad? What about the people who’ve lost their job or business or are essential workers AND somebody they love went and died? What do we give to the winners of the Grief Olympics? Vaccines?

I’m sorry. I’m sorry for your pain and your loss and the fact that you can’t be surrounded by people who loved the person you loved. I’m sorry you can’t have a funeral feast because tater tot casserole is a balm unto the soul. I’m sorry the world keeps turning when we really could stand for it to just stop a minute so we can catch our collective breath. I’m sorry somebody went and died.

3 comments:

  1. Kelly- This is MOV. (Remember me?)
    WOW. Powerful stuff. I miss your writing. I stopped writing too (the world intrudes).
    I am so sorry for your loss. Heart-wrenching.
    We had a loss at Xmas and another around Mother’s Day, so your words really collided in that brain space that makes you wake up.
    Hope your family remains equilibrium soon.
    xxo xxo xxo xxo xxo

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    1. Of course I remember you! I started writing in different ways, but I miss this space and I am reclaiming it! I am sorry for YOUR loss - and this was written for those friends with that experience. I have two friends who've lost their mothers this month, and my heart breaks for them. And while the death of my father many years ago makes me too familiar with the feeling, he had the good sense not to die in the middle of a pandemic! Good to 'see' you. Go write something.

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  2. Regains! Damn autocorrect. Submitting twice...

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