Party Pants

My children are prime examples of inappropriate behavior on a daily basis. But, because they're children, it's charming and not weird. If I walked around shoving spoons and plastic animals down my pants, people would say, 'Holy shit. That chick is whack.' But when Henry does it, it's adorable. 'Oooh,' everyone says, 'He has a hippo in his diapee! How cute!'

It is a little alarming, their penchant for sticking things down their pants. When Katie was three, she invented Super Panty Girl. She ran around in her underwear, a sequined scarf tied around her head. In her panties she had everything a three year old super hero might need: Barbie cell phone. Plastic pig. A baggie of goldfish crackers.

Julia prefers to go big. She managed to stuff her entire collection of Build A Bear dolls in her leggings the other day. From the waist up she was a typical four year old; from the waist down, she looked like someone who should have a show on TLC. This morning as I was getting out of the shower, she ran in to the bathroom, completely naked.

"Ohhhh," she said, doing a funny little dance. "Mommy I have to tell you something. I put hand sanitizer on my vagina." What I had mistaken for a pee pee dance was actually a fire crotch dance. As I rinsed her off in the shower, I said, "It's called hand sanitizer, not vagina sanitizer."

These are things you never imagine you'll say.

"Julia, you stink. Have you had your hand in your butt?"
No. Just my finger.

She'll run up to you, stick her butt out and say "Wait for it...wait for it..." and then cut a huge fart. I don't know where she learns these things. Does Spongebob fart on people? Does Dora cram stuffed animals in her pants? Are the Wonder Pets walking around with their fingers in their rears?

Surely it's all coming from television. They would never learn such behavior from me. Now, where did I put my hand sanitizer?