Non-Biblical Lessons from Vacation Bible School

You may remember a month or so ago when I smoked a bunch of crack and volunteered to run the nursery during vacation bible school. Well, the crack-fog has cleared and the week is here and I have already learned several important things.

1. A Friend Will Save Your Ass: At zero hour (seriously, like walking down to the nursery on Monday morning) it occurred to me that I was in charge of four 2 year old girls and one 16 month old boy (my own) and I was not going to be able to pee for 3 hours. I passed my friend K- who said "Oh, they don't need me, I'm going home." to which I replied "Oh, no you're not." I would be curled up in the corner of the nursery while the babies pelted me with Veggie Tales DVDs if it weren't for K-. Thank you, I owe you big time.

2. Two Year Olds Aren't Interested in the Curriculum: I had a lesson plan. A LESSON PLAN! Monday we were going to talk about God's animals. I squatted down in front of a little girl and said "What is your favorite animal in God's kingdom?" and she said "Bitch, please!". Okay, she really said "So fwee!" but everyone knows that is bitch, please in toddler talk.

3. Most Little Kids Are Going to Cry: When mommy drops them off with a strange lady, even when the lady is in a room full of awesome toys. Sometimes they cry a lot, and they produce massive amounts of liquid that seeps out of their heads, onto you. Some of this liquid is gross. Other kids' liquid is always somewhat grosser than your own kids'. Go figure. Also, all the things that comfort your own children? Yeah, they terrify other kids. 

4. Two Year Olds Are Interested in Nothing: For more than 2 minutes. Except maybe snack. My fabulous idea of sidewalk chalk held their attention approximately 1 1/2 minutes before one of them was drawing on the building, another was trying to get back inside, another was trying to escape, and one was eating mulch. And speaking of eating mulch -

5. Two Year Olds Will Eat Anything: Play Doh is especially popular. And if they don't eat it, they 'pretend' to eat it. Except when you're two, 'pretend' means lick it, and roll it around in your mouth before you spit it out into your hand, then give it to me.

6. If A Kid is Lying on the Ground Crying, and Another Kid is Lying on Top of Them, Check for Bite Marks: Especially when the kid on top is your own, sweet, precious, special snowflake. Who would never, ever take a big bite out of a little girl, when you're supposed to be watching them. It was only slightly mortifying.

And it's only Tuesday! I have to admit, the kids are very sweet and fun and two is a great (if exhausting) age. I'm glad to help out. And absolutely positive I'll never be a preschool teacher.

Chronic Volunteerism

Vacation Bible School comes at exactly the right time during the summer. The kids have been out of school for a few weeks, the novelty of the pool has worn off, and someone is going to get a beat down if mom and kids don't get a little alone time. So, for one week from 9 to 12, the girls get to go off and learn about Jesus and get out my hair. Thanks be to God.

Except this year, I volunteered to run the nursery during VBS. I wasn't asked, I just said I'd do it. I approached the woman in charge and said "Hey, I'd really like to spend some time with a bunch of pants pissing 2 year olds during the week when I'm supposed to be down a couple of kids." Clearly, I have been smoking crack.

It's a disease - chronic volunteerism. I can't seem to stop myself from saying "I'll do it." or, worse, "I'll do it if no one else will." Because you know what? No one else will. Saying that pretty much guarantees that the search is over and you have just signed on as Committee Chairperson for the Most Horrid Fucking Volunteer Position Ever.

After Henry was born (and I finished up my second year as PTO Vice-President), I declared it "The Year of No". I still managed to do small things here and there, but I said 'no' more often than not. In theory, it should have been good for me. It should have taught me that other people need the opportunity and the encouragement to do things. It should have shown me that there are people willing to step forward and take charge, if they are just given a little push.

Instead, it made me feel guilty. It made me feel like I need to do something big to make up for the lost year.

Last night, I sat down to write a letter to all the volunteers at the elementary school, essentially begging someone to step up and take on a PTO board position for next year. I was my most poetic, most persuasive, most eloquent. I was so convincing that I almost convinced myself. I found myself thinking, If no one else does it...

On second thought, I think a week with a room full of toddlers is penance enough.

(Oh, jeez - CLICK HERE and vote for me by clicking the little thumbs up, blah blah blah. Only 11 more days of this bullshit, I promise. Don't let me slip out of the top 25 or I will cry myself to sleep, and I get all snotty and ugly when I cry and it will scare my children. DO IT FOR THE CHILDREN!)