With Friends Like These...

My family moved a good bit when I was a child and, as a result, I never attended the same school for more than two years. So, as Katie enters 5th grade at the same school she's attended since kindergarten, walking into the building is a little like coming home.

First day of 5th grade!

 This school is like a family, and like all families, there are the people you love and the people that you wish would move across the country. With three or four classes per grade level, Katie's been in class with just about all of the kids in her grade by now. It's fun going in and getting hugs from little girls I've known for several years, or taught in a Brownie troop, or helped in class with. It's nice to see little bitties growing into young men and women. They are so sweet, and so decent, and still mostly innocent.

Mostly.

I've always said that I would never tell my children who they could be friends with, as long as the friends weren't involved in dangerous or morally repugnant behavior. I love saying 'morally repugnant'! And really, the worst thing we've run across in our little rural elementary school is the occasional middle finger and one kid who peed in a water bottle on a dare. It has been, at best, low level hooliganism.

Which makes it even harder when Katie has friends that I just don't like. Or, worse, who's parents I just don't like. I can't say, "Hey, Katie. Don't hang out with that person because she's rude and her mom is a bigot." I won't ever disallow my child to be friends with a person based on their race or religious beliefs or where they live or their socio-economic bracket. So I can't disallow it when the kid is just a jerk.

So what can I do? I can't go around kicking asses, though I've said "I'm going to kick that kid's ass!" through clenched teeth on more than one occasion. I can try my best to teach my children to be friends with people who are kind and considerate and polite, at least most of the time. I can tell them what good people they are, so they believe they are deserving of friends who don't treat them like a doormat. I can give them confidence, so that when the day comes that they have to look a kid in the eye and tell them to back off, they can do it. I can teach them to be a good friend.

I hope it's enough. I can't protect them entirely from bullies and hurt and lost friendships and broken hearts. I can give them what tools I can, and be there to help them pick up the pieces when they don't work. I will try to be an advocate when necessary, and stand back when needed. And kick ass, if it comes to it.

Dear SFC,

My 10 year old is having a problem at school. Her friend M- said that my daughter told M- that she was ugly. M's mom called me and I talked to my daughter, who claimed she didn't say it. I made my daughter apologize for the misunderstanding. My other friend J- said her daughter B- heard M- say that she heard another friend, P- say it. Should I confront P's mom? Should I tell M's mom that B- said M- heard P- say it? Help!!!
Signed, 
HoverMother in SC


Dear HoverMother,


Are you fucking serious? If I had a dime for every time some kid hurt my feelings in elementary school, I'd have more money than I've made with this highly successful blog (that's $44.31, to be exact). Kids are jerks. They say jerky things, they act in jerky ways, they lack empathy, tact, and the filter between brain and mouth.


The very first mistake in this situation was made by M's mom. Why did she need to call you? She should have set her kid down, said "Honey, kids are jerks. You are beautiful and it doesn't matter what some jerky kid says." Or, teach her the retort, "So?" (I learned that one from Little Bill).


Last summer, Katie and one of her friends were prank calling another friend, singing songs and hanging up on her. The girl's mother called me in tears because her kid was upset. In tears. You know what I do if some kid prank calls my house? I pick up the phone and say "Knock it off, jerkface." and they don't call back again. I don't even have to cry about it.


There is a point when normal behavior crosses the line into bullying. There are times when it's appropriate and necessary for a parent to step in and take action. But before you do that, ask yourself - is this situation a detriment to my child's social life or learning environment? Or is this an opportunity for them to learn to stand up for themselves?


Also, what part does my kid have in this? Are they a target, or did they start it? One of the most difficult things to admit is that our precious snowflake is the jerk in question.


We get so wrapped up sometimes in providing our kids with the perfect childhood experience that we forget how important the sucky parts are. The sucky parts teach us humility and patience and kindness and courage and resiliency and a dozen other traits that make us successful grown ups. If we rush in to save the day every time someone farts in the direction of our kid, we're doing them a huge disservice.


Sometimes when we stand back, we teach them to stand tall.