Sunday, May 22, 2011


This may come as a surprise to those of you who don't know me (or maybe not), and it's surely NO surprise to those of you who do - but I talk entirely too much. I talk so much that I rarely leave any gathering without thinking to myself, "I talked entirely too much."

I have an opinion about everything, regardless of whether or not I know anything about it. Genetically modified food? AWFUL. Hiking in the Pyrranes? I don't even know where the Pyrranes are, but I am guessing it is COLD. Pumping gas while talking on a cell phone? ILLEGAL AND CAUSES CANCER. And I'm pretty sure that one can make you blow up, too.

I am the Cliff Claven of suburbia - as big a windbag, but without the encyclopedic knowledge.

The things I do know tend to be a little fuzzy. To my credit, I have read a lot of books. But I've also had three kids and watched too many cooking shows, so Diego Rivera's involvement with Leon Trotsky centers around a lovely boeuf bourguignon. I am generally slightly off the mark with most of the wisdom I impart, so much that I tend to preface everything I say with "Now, I may be talking out of my ass here..." I talk out of my ass so frequently that I had a Bluetooth fitted to my underwear.

Every time I go to a social event, I have a little pep talk with myself:
I will let others talk. I will not try to be super clever. I will not say stuff unless I am certain it's true. I will not drop a bunch of f-bombs. I will ask questions and listen to the answers. 

It never works.

I'm thinking I should come up with a hand signal, or key word, to share with the husband and close friends, so they can let me know when I need to chill. Maybe they rub their nose with one finger. But then I'll think "Are they telling me I'm talking too much? Or that I have a booger?" and I'll get more nervous because I think I have a booger, and then I'll talk more. Talking more, drawing more attention to myself, only now with a GIANT BOOGER hanging out of my nose.

So I apologize in advance for all the times I will talk over you and monopolize a conversation and wax my poetic bullshit on subjects in which I am completely ignorant. Forgive me - and please, interrupt me.

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