Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Dirty Words

Last week, my oldest asked me what condoms were. Trojans, specifically. In a very clinical way, I explained the barrier method of contraception, and when I reached the part where I said "and the semen is unable to...", she held up a hand and yelled "OK! GOT IT!".

The only good part about sex talk with your tween is watching her get completely grossed out about it. So grossed out that, with luck, she'll not want to do it until she's thirty.

So imagine my surprise when, sitting in the waiting room of the doctor's office, she pointed out a Trojan ad in a magazine.

"Look here, Mom! These condoms are twisted!" she said. Complete with a finger shoot, wink and tongue click.

I died.

I can not remember when, if ever, I became comfortable with the fact that my parents had sex. I do remember one trip to the beach as an adult, where my parents occupied the room above mine. "Good hell!" the Husband said. "What are they doing up there?"

"Apparently, there is some furniture that needs to be moved around." I said stonily, turning over and covering my head with a pillow.

So it baffles me that my child would be comfortable enough to talk to me about these things. It's a good thing, right?

Before their daughter entered middle school, my friend D- and her husband decided to sit down with her and go over some of the new words she might be learning. Middle school is, apparently, the place where weenies become dicks and tee tees become pussies. They went down the list of every slang word and curse word they could think of, as their daughter sat there, wide eyed and jaw agape. How they got through the list with a straight face is beyond me. "Balls" is just about the funniest word in the world, and anytime someone says "play with your balls", I just about pee myself.

But, they get through the list and leave the room and do a little post-con in the kitchen.

"Oh, shit." D- says, "Did we forget cock?"
"Oh, I think we did. You're going to have to do that one." her husband replied.

So D- walked back to her daughter's bedroom while her husband skulked around the corner, walked in and said, "We forgot one - cock." at which point both she and her husband started laughing hysterically.

Their daughter rolled her eyes and said, "How mature."

I don't stand a chance.


  1. oh, dreading those days ahead........... my oldest is 8, so I have, what, like at least a year before we have to talk about that stuff? I will do what I always do when I am a big coward: call The Husband and make him do it. Good plan.


    1. My husband says he'll take care of the boy. We'll see.

  2. At least she'll think condoms are cool, thanks to you. As long as you keep her off the pole, she'll be fine.

    Adrian (7) was in the backyard when there were two houseflies going at it on the table. He said "Look, these flys are are having....er....private and sex time" I have never laughed so hard in my life, inside of my mouth and head.

    Love this post!

    1. Thanks, Mary! Katie calls it 'love time', it makes me want to cry.

  3. I'm dreading it too, and my kids are 26 and 27 years old.

  4. Being as dorky and inappropriate as I am, teaching 8th grade drop out prevention kids Sex Ed was... interesting to say the least. I was red and sweating the whole time.
    Mostly because I agreed to answer any question they had as honestly as I was allowed to, and my lord do 8th graders ask some freaking bizarre questions.

    But teaching science to them, I had many experiences of laughing while talking about balls in physics lessons and insisting they pronounce the planet YOUR-uh-nus, instead of Your-ANUS.

  5. Reminds me of the "Hey, Mom, what's a cock ring?" conversation I got to have with my 11-year-old. I can't even remember now where he heard it, but keeping a straight face was pretty much impossible.

    1. PLEASE tell me you've written about this. I have't even thought about taling about tools!

  6. WTF! I had posted a comment yesterday, did you censor me? I will seriously fuck you up if you did. Eff you up. Be real mad.

  7. Oh. Just kidding it's there. Sorry for flying off the handle and mailing you a dead southern fried chicken to drive my point home.

    1. Honey, we eat roadkill down here. I'll put some bbq sauce on that fucker and it'll be dinner!