A Serious Interview With the Author

I am a little disappointed in the number of people who want to interview me for something. Mostly, because my brain is fried and stressed and full of stupid anxiety and thoughts of punching people in the throat. Interviews are easy, because they require very little thinking on my part. I could post something light and witty, and not have it bogged down by the bullshit that is currently taking up space in my head.

So, like I say to my family - DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE? I will interview myself. I searched the internet for some interview questions, and the results follow. This is either super awesome, or super pathetic. Whatever.

1. If you were an animal, what animal would you be and why?
This is a ridiculous question. People are animals, so I guess if I had to choose an animal to be, I'd be a person. If I had to be a wild, non-speaking type animal? A bird, maybe. They fly, which is badass. They poop wherever they want, which must be very freeing. They also throw up food into their kids' mouths. And they eat worms. OK, maybe not a bird.

2. Why are manhole covers round?
This is an interview question? Because they are heavy and you can't roll a square manhole cover.

3. How would you explain a database in three sentences to your eight-year-old nephew?
Say you took a big poop into a box. Then all the little pieces that make up your poop, like chicken nuggets and mac and cheese and Gogurts, all went into their own little boxes inside the big box. That is a database.

4. If you were a salad dressing, what kind would you be?
This is the easiest question I found. I would be blue cheese - a little chunky, a little smelly, and an acquired taste.

5. Betty or Veronica?
Betty. Betty Betty Betty, a million times Betty. And Batman over Superman and John Bender over Andrew Clark and Han Solo over Luke Skywalker. But Veronica over the Heathers.

6. What is it about me that makes you so drawn to me?
I am not kidding, this was a question on a website full of interview questions. If someone asked me this is an interview, I'd do a complete Scooby Doo face and get out of there, quick. But if you, dear reader, asked me, I would say "Because you are super good looking and smarter than average."

7. Why is 11 not pronounced 'onety-one'?
You guys are killing me. I don't know, but it should be. Henceforth, I shall dispense with the teen nonsense, and refer to that sequence of numbers as the oneties.

8. Who would win a battle between a ninja and a pirate?
Pirate. Ninjas are stealthy, but pirates are ruthless motherfuckers.

9. If you had an entire day to yourself, what would you do? 
I would like to say that I would go for a long run, take a hot shower, read, eat a nice lunch out, take a nap, go to the bookstore, write. But the truth is I would fuck around on the computer until noon, when I'd eat a piece of boloney on white bread, then watch You Tube videos until I realized it was 8 pm and I had yet to get out of my pajamas. At that point, I might take a shower and have a beer, or I might just crawl into bed stinking and watch My Fair Wedding with David Tutera until I fell asleep.

10. Are you really this awesome in real life? 
Believe it.