Tuesday, February 21, 2012

A Serious Interview With the Author

I am a little disappointed in the number of people who want to interview me for something. Mostly, because my brain is fried and stressed and full of stupid anxiety and thoughts of punching people in the throat. Interviews are easy, because they require very little thinking on my part. I could post something light and witty, and not have it bogged down by the bullshit that is currently taking up space in my head.

So, like I say to my family - DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE? I will interview myself. I searched the internet for some interview questions, and the results follow. This is either super awesome, or super pathetic. Whatever.

1. If you were an animal, what animal would you be and why?
This is a ridiculous question. People are animals, so I guess if I had to choose an animal to be, I'd be a person. If I had to be a wild, non-speaking type animal? A bird, maybe. They fly, which is badass. They poop wherever they want, which must be very freeing. They also throw up food into their kids' mouths. And they eat worms. OK, maybe not a bird.

2. Why are manhole covers round?
This is an interview question? Because they are heavy and you can't roll a square manhole cover.

3. How would you explain a database in three sentences to your eight-year-old nephew?
Say you took a big poop into a box. Then all the little pieces that make up your poop, like chicken nuggets and mac and cheese and Gogurts, all went into their own little boxes inside the big box. That is a database.

4. If you were a salad dressing, what kind would you be?
This is the easiest question I found. I would be blue cheese - a little chunky, a little smelly, and an acquired taste.

5. Betty or Veronica?
Betty. Betty Betty Betty, a million times Betty. And Batman over Superman and John Bender over Andrew Clark and Han Solo over Luke Skywalker. But Veronica over the Heathers.

6. What is it about me that makes you so drawn to me?
I am not kidding, this was a question on a website full of interview questions. If someone asked me this is an interview, I'd do a complete Scooby Doo face and get out of there, quick. But if you, dear reader, asked me, I would say "Because you are super good looking and smarter than average."

7. Why is 11 not pronounced 'onety-one'?
You guys are killing me. I don't know, but it should be. Henceforth, I shall dispense with the teen nonsense, and refer to that sequence of numbers as the oneties.

8. Who would win a battle between a ninja and a pirate?
Pirate. Ninjas are stealthy, but pirates are ruthless motherfuckers.

9. If you had an entire day to yourself, what would you do? 
I would like to say that I would go for a long run, take a hot shower, read, eat a nice lunch out, take a nap, go to the bookstore, write. But the truth is I would fuck around on the computer until noon, when I'd eat a piece of boloney on white bread, then watch You Tube videos until I realized it was 8 pm and I had yet to get out of my pajamas. At that point, I might take a shower and have a beer, or I might just crawl into bed stinking and watch My Fair Wedding with David Tutera until I fell asleep.

10. Are you really this awesome in real life? 
Believe it.


  1. THIS, THIS is hands-down the BEST ever interview that it has ever been my privilege to read.

    You are AWESOME.

    And it's a damned shame that you had to conduct your own interview, these people should be crammed onto your porch at your front door beating each other up with their microphones to talk to you. What is wrong with the world?

    1. Jo, this might be my favorite comment ever. Not even my mom is this nice to me.

  2. This is fantastic. I long to be interviewed. The one time I was interviewed for a major newspaper, I was completely misquoted and my name was misspelled.
    This is really one of the greatest interviews I've ever read.
    Also, #9 hits horrifyingly close to home.

    1. I always have great plans, though, don't you?

  3. This comment has been removed by the author.

  4. (sorry about deleting my last comment. riddled with typos!)

    Dear Kelly,

    You are quite lucky to be interviewed by Kelly, she might be the one person who really "gets" you.

    And Number 3 is the best definition of a data-base I have ever heard of. Even I understand it now. And as far as the bird poop thing, besides going wherever they want (and whenever), they never seem self-conscious about it. Just pause, go. Sometimes not even pause.

    And thank you for saying that I am smarter than average. Not many people say that about me.

    ps-- did this "Kelly" person charge you a lot of money to do the interview? it was worth it

    1. I'm waiting for someone to come along and tell me that's not what a database REALLY is, and explain it in terms that even smarter than average people can't understand. Let's just ignore them if that happens.

  5. Needed this laugh today! Thanks!

  6. If I had to be a nonspeaking animal, I'd be an eagle. A golden eagle.

    Do you KNOW how fucking BADASS they are?

    Or maybe a Goshawk. Goshawks are really frigging cool, too.

    Barring being a homicidal missile, maybe I'd give being a... no, fuck it, hawks and eagles and falcons are too-frigging-awesome.

    -Motaki, Aspiring Falconer

    1. While I did the generic "bird" thing, I would agree with you on the awesomeness of predatory birds. I have to go look up Goshawks, though.

  7. I believe, I believe!

    Regarding Bender over Clark: I have a deep & wide soft spot for that film, but I think a better question than Bender or Clark would be why the hell isn't there a girl in the movie that anyone would want to be? Obviously Allison over Claire, but...really? Bender over either.

  8. Bwah! #9 is spot on except back in the day, I would have languished on the computer chain smoking, drinking coffee until the appropriate time when I could start drinking wine. Shower? Who needs a shower? You're by yourself!!