I Don't Need a Book Deal, I'm Kreativ!

Tara at Faith in Ambiguity recently bestowed upon me the Kreativ Blogger award. Tara is a talented and beautiful writer, and really much smarter than me, and I am honored and flattered. I am so honored and flattered that I will ignore the kreativ spelling, which would normally make me irrationally angry. One time, I Hulk-Smashed the frosted snack cake display at a Kwik Mart because it had a sign that read '2-Day Only! Tastee Cake's Your Gonna Love!'.

I was pissed that I was in a Kwik Mart to begin with.

So, I'm supposed to:
1. Thank and link the presenter of the award.
2. Answer the 10 questions below.
3. Share 10 random facts about yourself.
4. Nominate 7 worthy blogs for the Kreativ Blogger Award.
5. Eat some chocolate.

(I just added that last one, but I need some incentive to do this thing.)

The Questions:

1. What is your favorite song? This is a bullshit question, because no one has A favorite song. We have favorite songs with qualifiers, like Favorite Song While I'm...(exercising, cleaning house, doin' it, whatever). So my favorite song while I'm getting ready for a dinner party is Let Love Rule by Lenny Kravitz. In fact, that whole album lets me get my groove on whilst chopping vegetables and arranging attractive hors d'oeuvres platters.

2. What is your favorite dessert? I like to say, 'Even shitty cake is still cake.' I love sweets, and it's hard to pick just one. So I'll qualify this one, too, and say that my favorite cake is carrot cake. I am sure that will disappoint some of you.

3. What ticks you off? I am an angry person trapped inside a happy person's body. I am quietly seething with rage against lidless toothpaste tubes and empty toilet paper rolls and improperly restained children in vehicles. What ticks me off? A whole hell of a lot.

4. When you're upset, what do you do? Cry and pout like a big baby and make grandly stupid statements like WELL FINE I WILL NEVER TOUCH YOUR STUPID FOOT AGAIN EVEN IF YOU ASKED ME TO, EVEN IF YOU WERE GOING TO DIE IF I DON'T TOUCH YOUR STUPID FOOT.

5. Which is/was your favorite pet? Shutup Roxy is next to me right now, looking at me with her big, dumb, cow eyes and cutting farts like an old man. She is such a jerk, but I love her.

6. Which do you prefer to wear, black or white? What mother of three children and proud owner of a meat apron prefers to wear white? Are you serious?

7. What is your biggest fear? The fear of losing one of my children is so strangling, overwhelming, and heartbreaking to think of, that I refuse to name it as a fear. Because it is more than a fear, it is the worst horror imaginable, and one that I would die a thousand deaths to avoid. That's all a little heavy, so let's go with mice. I hate those little fuckers, they make me cry!

8. What is your attitude, mostly? Mostly, I think that you get what you give. I think that everyone has the right to be treated with kindness and respect, regardless of age or station or beliefs or appearance. I think most people are mostly good. Most of the time.

9. What is perfection? Any moment where I manage to be completely in the moment, and not thinking about the laundry, or what's for dinner, or what I have to do next. I have a hundred such moments every day, and I wish I could string them together and live on that string. But knowing that another one is just around the corner is as close as I'll get, and that's close enough.

10. What is your guilty pleasure? Oh, I have lots, but I don't feel guilty about a single one.

Random Facts:

1. You know those enormous California Burritos at Mexican restaurants? The one that the server encourages you to share? The one where you look at the picture and think, 'What kind of hog could eat that whole thing?' Me. The answer is ME.

2. I can talk in a voice that sounds like I've sucked helium. I showcase it with a rousing rendition of the Lollipop Guild song from The Wizard of Oz. People tend to find it either really cool or really annoying, and never anything in between.

3. I say I never expect to win anything, but in reality I always expect to win.

4. One time, I gave Bill Gates a tour of a cruise ship. He was very nice and wore a funny little sailor cap, because he thought it was funny. I admired that.

5. I am not allowed on the premises the Airport Hilton in Atlanta, due to the Great Restroom Incident of '99.

6. I played volleyball in high school for exactly three weeks, until I learned that it I possess no volleyball skills. Plus, the theater people had all the weed.

7. I have insanely good hearing. It almost makes up for my horrible vision.

8. I am having a shit of a time coming up with ten semi-interesting facts about myself. OH! I have a third nipple! No, I'm kidding, I don't. That would be super interesting, though.

9. I wish I weren't quite so...white. Homogenous. I mean, I'm not one of those fruit loops who's going to start grossly inappropriate cultural appropriation. I'm not going to start walking around in a sombrero or get a Celtic tattoo or anything. But maybe I can start talking vaguely of a 'homeland' and celebrate obscure holidays by drinking lots of beer and eating a certain color of food. What? Someone does this already?

10. I continued to be humbled and thankful that people take the time to read my bullshit, and comment on it, and find it worthy enough for recognition and promotion. I am not always good about responding to comments, but I do read everything that you write down there, and am so appreciative of your support. Truly, thank you.

AND NOW, the bloggers I'm passing this along to. These are all people who inspire me with their creativity. They don't just think outside the box, they take the box and throw it on the ground and stomp on it and rip it to shreds and yell SCREW YOU, BOX! They are sometimes funny and always smart, and always keep me coming back for more.

(Dude. I am lazy and on the ipad and linkies are hard work on a touchscreen. Cut me some slack and pick up the link over there in my left sidebar. All these folks are there.)

mothersofbrothersblog
We Band of Mothers
Cheeseblarg
Off the Beaten Plan
Haley's Comic
Just Inappropriate
Clay Baboons