A Little About My Father

My father said all sorts of silly things.

Your ass is grass, and I'm the lawnmower.
I'm gonna cut you three ways - deep, wide, and continuously.
Like a one legged man in an ass kicking contest.
Wish in one hand, shit in the other, see which one fills up faster.

Sometimes they were movie quotes. Sometimes they were Marine Corps-isms. Sometimes they were antiquated Texas-isms.

Never leave a hat on the bed.

Always say DADDY loudly when waking him, touching him before you spoke was a terryfing experience. I made the mistake once when I was eight, and he sprang up and grabbed me by the arm. I almost died from fright.

The way he mashed his fried eggs up with the tines of his fork, instead of cutting them.
The way he'd sweat when he ate spicy food. He would sit at the head of the table, his dark skin red with heat and sweating.

The very small things he did everyday that made him such a champion of the ordinary.

Daddy started balding early, and in 1986, he made the last ditch effort of a desperate man. He let my mom give him a perm.

My father said all sorts of silly things, and sometimes he said things that weren't so silly at all. He was the most educated uneducated man as you'd meet. He voraciously read newspapers and magazines, and had an encyclopedic knowledge of sports.

He did not like to go out much.

He was the best storyteller in the world.