Thursday, June 7, 2012

This Post Brought to You By...

"Why don't companies ever ask me to do a product review of their stupid product?" I asked my friend, K-.

"Maybe because you refer to them as stupid?"

Maybe.

You can't read too many blogs before running into one who's shilling something, in return for free shit. I can dig that. I mean, do I really think that you believe Cool Whip is bringing your family together, or that Special K helped you repair the damaged relationship with your Daddy? No, but I can appreciate a blogger willing to credit Jiffy Lube with saving the life of their child in order to get free oil changes for life.

Because, let's face it - we all love free shit.

Crappy continental breakfast, with weak coffee and stale danish? I'll eat it, IT'S FREE! Those gross little mints in the dish at the restaurant register, that every little kid in the joint has had their hands in (no doubt after picking their nose, or butt, or both)? Yummy and FREE! Hotel soaps, lotions, shower caps? Are you kidding? Load me up with those bitches! I could create an entire Pinterest board of crafts I could have made with all the shower caps I've taken from hotels.

But SFC isn't that kind of blog. If it were, I can think of a few companies who might be interested in making me a deal -

Splenda & Coffeemate: My love of these two is well documented. Coffee (which I drink a lot of, by the way) is just not complete without the mouth coating, chemical awesomeness of this duo. My endorsement - "Splenda and Coffeemate: Two awesome fucking chemicals, awesome together."

Always Maxi Pads with wings: I just had dinner with a friend who commented, "What grown woman wears these?". That would be some perimenopausal woman whose pants look like a goddamn murder scene every time she goes to the bathroom. My endorsement - "Always with Wings: Ginormous pads for those times when your drawers are an episode of CSI: My Panties."

Monistat Anti-Chafing Gel: WHOA WHOA WHOA, you may be saying. First, period talk and now freaking Monistat? When did this become The Vagina Monologues? Settle down, folks. I use this stuff on MY FACE. It's actually not crotch cream at all, despite the name. And the silicone base makes it the perfect, inexpensive make-up primer. It's a not so secret secret, and once you get over the idea of smearing something from Monistat on your face, it is great stuff. My endorsement - "Monistat Anti-Chafing Gel: Not your mama's vag cream!"

I expect these companies, and many others, will be contacting me shortly, begging me to review their products. Sorry, folks, it's not that kind of blog.

But you can still send the free stuff.

26 comments:

  1. I enjoyed this. Kudos to you madam.

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    1. Thanks, Trez! Thanks for not being freaked out by vaginas.

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  2. Oh SHIT! As I type this, I am wearing an Always maxi pad with wings. I am hard pressed to find wingless maxis. And I kinda like the dry weave. That way, I can get a little wind beneath my wings.

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    1. Ha! I am sure that Always would be happy to kow that they're the Preferred Pad of SFC (tm). Thanks for reading!

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  3. I'm crying here. You need a caricature of yourself sporting all these products

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    1. I told you, the tampon broach is very fashion forward.

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  4. I'm thinking of starting a second site: Will Blog For Free Crap. I can't help it. It just makes me so happy.

    And Always with Wings saved my ass. The lifepreserver ones found in the purple packaging (I think they're marketed as "overnight" which is code for "had children") gave me the confidence to do carpool and back without disaster.

    At least THAT kind of disaster. I just can't help the rest.

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    1. I love those giant diaper pads. I also loved the net panties I got from the hospital after having the kids.

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  5. Chemical infused coffee is now all over my keyboard! :-)

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    1. Thank you for validating my coffee habits, and reading!

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  6. Score. I got a good laugh and a beauty secret. I'll try it, but I hope it's nothing like that hemorrhoid cream trick. That made my eyes feel like they were dying.

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    1. You know ou don't put it ON your eyeballs, right? ;) I have very sensitive skin, and only wash with water, and this does not irritate it.

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  7. So glad I read it first thing this morning. Now I will be laughing about it all day!

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    1. Thanks for being the inspiration!

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  8. Laughed out loud at this. I'm too lazy to come up with a clever comment, which is unfortunate. But I was here. And I laughed.

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    1. I'm glad, Stephanie - and I miss seeing your posts.

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  9. Hahaha, I love your glowing endorsement of Monistat. Where can I get some??!! I also love your blog and so I've nominated you at mine for the Versatile Blogger Award - you don't have to take part if you don't want to, but I just wanted to include you in my links :-)

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    1. Thanks, P&N! I am so glad you like SFC, and thank you for the award! I recently did a similar meme, so I'll file this one away for awhile until I come up with some fabulous response. Stick around!

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  10. OMG! I should read your blog when I'm around other people. I laugh outloud (and sometimes when I laugh, I snort) and then they all stare at me. I try to explain about applying monostat not to my non-existent vagina, but instead as a base for makeup I don't wear.

    silence...wrinkled noses...heads shaking

    Then I mention the wings and everyone just raises their eyebrows prior to turning back to what they were doing.

    Oh well, at least I was amused and that's what is important here! LOL

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    1. Being married, you've become accustomed to fem hygeine products! Thanks for not being squicked.

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  11. I don't mind the wings so much, it's the scented ones that bother me. I accidentally got some (shopping with two kids in the cart leads to this sort of thing all the time) and the wafting scent of old ladies nearly made me gag when I opened the package. What the hell? It's not bad enough that I have to wear these damn diapers, but my crotch should also smell like a bunch of old ladies all sporting different cloying floral scents? Boo.

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    1. Who wouldn't want a garden crotch? Really!

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  12. I'm dying. I'm not at all sure why you wouldn't be just fighting off the sponsors with a great big stick. Jerks. They don't know what a golden opportunity they're missing.

    I will say, however, nothing pisses me off more (except perhaps strike-throughs) than to click over to an interesting sounding blog post and discover that it's nothing but an advertisement. Hungry bloggers are marketing departments' wet dreams.

    That said, I'd be totally lying if I said I hadn't thought about sharing my Old El Paso Ortega Taco magic moment for a new iPad. (That would be an iPad without wings. I had my girl organs attacked by laser beams so now I am sans monthly crime scene. My whole world thanks me for that.)

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    1. STRIKE THROUGHS. Fuck! I got all pissed just reading that.

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  13. I confess. I love strike throughs. ::shifty eyed glances around::

    I bought some Monistat vag cream last summer, but I don't wear enough make-up to really need primer. I actually found myself using it for chafing. I felt like I was mis-using it.

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    1. can I say, if you have chafing on your thighs or something like that (underarms, when you are using crutches). I recommend A+D ointment! I double recommend it in fact!

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