Number Thirty-Three

While I was compiling my list of Thirty-Nine things to do while I'm thirty-nine, I got a little desperate. I got a little silly.

I got a little stupid.

Especially right around Number Thirty-Three:  Find out exactly how many mini-marshmallows I can fit in my mouth at once.

Look, I'll be honest with you. I thought it would be kind of funny, I would take funny pictures and it would be an easy blog post for a day when I was feeling lazy. Which honestly is most days; it's amazing all my posts aren't about how much of something I can eat, or how much it hurts to remove my mustache. Going in to it with that attitude makes me a little bit of an asshole.

And in the end, I got what I deserved.


First, I assembled my equipment:

1. The Mini-Marshmallows: Separated into groups of 25, for a total of 150. Looking at the piles, and knowing I have a ginormous mouth, I think this is doable.
2. Beverage: Sweet tea, of course.
3. Lip Gloss: If I'm going to take pictures of my face stuffed with marshmallows, I certainly don't want a nude lip!
4. Fire Extinguisher: Because I am going to look so hot that I might actually catch on fire. I had planned on safety goggles, but forgot them and was too a) lazy and b) traumatized to repeat the experiment.

Here I am, pre-stuffing. I am a little nervous, though I'm not sure why. It's not like I'm doing something important, like talking to a big group of people about anal fissures, or taking an online personality quiz.

Lip glosssssss!

 

 

 

In goes the first group of 25. No big deal, but they take up a lot more room than I thought they would. I have to shove them in pretty fast, otherwise they get a little melty and that's not exactly an accurate assessment of how many marshmallows will fit in there. As you can see, I did a lot of thinking and research before conducting the experiment. At least five minutes, maybe seven.

And then the second handful (that's 50 marshmallows so far):

I am starting to think that 150 marshmallows might have been more than a little ambitious. But I think I can do one more pile:

Right after I snapped this picture, I actually inhaled one of the marshmallows and it caught a little in my throat. I started coughing, but was still trying desperately to hold the remaining marshmallows in my mouth. I knew this guy in high school who could put a cracker on his tongue, close his mouth, snort an oyster up his nose, then open his mouth. The oyster would be sitting on the cracker. With this in mind, I started doing this horking, snorting, snuffing thing, thinking maybe I could dislodge the marshmallow in my throat by shooting it through my nostrils, and not lose any of the ones in my mouth.

I know. At the time it made perfect sense.

The marshmallow in my throat finally let loose, and I had managed to keep all the ones in my mouth. It wouldn't be fair to count the one I'd swallowed, so I shoved another in my mouth, then a few more (because I'm an overachiever).

The final count: 67 marshmallows.

I find this hugely disappointing.


I'll be back, mini marshmallows. You may have defeated me this time, but I will have my day. I WILL HAVE MY DAY!