You may recall me complaining about my
Wilford Brimley mustache a few months ago. After that post, I got a recommendation for a new hair removal product. I saw it today at Target, and with our annual beach vacation looming, I thought I'd give it a try (being mistaken for a beached walrus would be bad).
I also decided to chronicle the experience for your viewing pleasure. What follows is the most unflattering and, frankly, disturbing series of pictures ever taken of yours truly.
First, the application. That's a sexy time pose, by the way.
I had to wait 10 minutes before removal. 10 minutes is a long time in my world. My kids are asleep and I'm bored, so I paint my fingernails. BECAUSE I AM CRAZY LIKE THAT. I must have lost track of time, because the next thing I know, my upper lip is kind of burn-y. I wipe the cream off with a cotton ball (hair comes off! Success!) and rinse with cool water. It is still kind of burn-y. I am a little worried.
I rummage through the cabinet to find some soothing relief-
And then decide that taking a picture of myself crosseyed would be funny.
Wait a minute.
What the fuck? I'm not crosseyed. Let's try that again.
WHAT IS GOING ON HERE? How did I cross one eye? And why is one of my nostrils freakishly bigger than the other?
Oh my God. I'm having a stroke. Is it possible to have a stroke that only affects your ability to cross your eyes? I'm certain it is. This may be a good time to mention that of all the potential, realistic ways to go (getting hit by a milk truck, tripping and falling in a field of forks, getting trapped in a giant clothes dryer), a stroke is my number one, this shit will kill me, fear. Foot falls asleep? Stroke. Ringing in my ears? Stroke. Hangnail? Stroke.
So you can see why I was alarmed. Maybe if I look at my finger.
That didn't work either! I am FREAKING OUT!
But I like this picture very much, because I look like Kermit the Frog. This makes me laugh, and I notice that my face is no longer burning.
And don't my nails look cute?
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