Monday, May 16, 2011

Lola's Fable

My mom, Julia and I were leaving Target when the headache started. We got into the car and I opened the center console, where I had seen a bottle of Tylenol. I absentmindedly shook out four Tylenol and swallowed them down.

About halfway home, I started getting strangely sleepy. By the time we got to our exit, I said to my mom-
"Wow. I am really, really sleepy. All of a sudden." By the time we pulled into the driveway, I said "My God, I can barely hold my eyes open."

And my mom said "ZOMG." Actually, she didn't say ZOMG, but her face did. What she said was "Oh, shit. I don't think that was Tylenol. I think that fell out of my purse."

And I said "What do you mean, it's not Tylenol? What is it?". But what I actually said was "Whasssuvvvv Tlenol whasssssvvu iiii?", because my head was full of cotton and my mouth full of marbles.

She looked me square in the face. I saw three of her, so the look was triply alarming.

"It's Lola's Xanax."

At this point, I have to tell you that Lola is my mom's friend's Yorkshire Terrier.

I said, "What the fuck?" I feel confident that I was able to get that out in an understandable fashion. I don't want to go into the details of why my mom had dog Xanax ("It's just regular Xanax, it was just prescribed for the dog!") in a Tylenol bottle, or how it got in the console of my car, or why I need to take 4 Tylenol. It was not until later, much later, that I even thought about these things. At that moment, all my brain was saying was "zummmmmmm...burrrrrrriiiTOS!".

My mom hustled me into bed and left with Julia so I could sleep it off. I'd like to say that's what I did for the next four hours. At least, that's all I remember doing. Apparently, I also filled out and printed the award certificates for our Brownie Troop (I am sorry, Mrs. McAllister, but Brittney really was 'Troop Bitch'), ate a bag of Doritos, and someone put chocolate pudding in the toilet. That may or may not have been me. The husband called to check on me at some point. I answered the phone, said "Hold on a minute.", and then never came back to the phone.

It was the best buzz of my life, and I don't even remember it.

The lesson, of course, is to keep pills in their original container, look at them before you take them, take the prescribed amount. Or, at the very least, don't have big plans for the day.


  1. KELLY! That was totally freaking hilarious!! I was laughing to hard, tears were pouring down my face I could not even finish reading until I gathered myself!

  2. So,in my Movie Fanatic frenzy...I have to quote Bruce willis in "Live Free or Die Hard".....

    the kid sayes "did you see that?"

    Bruce sayes "did I see it? hell yeah I saw it, I did it"

    Truth is funnier than fiction......Oh My!!

  3. Kelly,

    I popped over from Triad Moms on Main b/c I read your Peed on the Phone post! You did not disappoint with this one either! Hilarious!

  4. Thanks, Allison! I love me some TMoM. I hope you stick around here!