Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Snobby Bitches

We joined a new pool this summer, and while I know some of the weekday women who hang up there (and am friends with a couple), overall we haven't really 'clicked' yet. Part of the reason is that I am sometimes relegated to the baby pool, which makes me an instant social pariah. When we manage to get out to the main pool, I am so busy chasing after Henry and yelling at Julia and trying to hand signal to Katie from across the pool to pull her bathing suit out of her butt, that I undoubtedly come across as a loud, sweaty, screamy mess with uncontrollable children.

Which may be accurate.

One day last week, Henry decided to nap at the pool, allowing me a brief period of quiet observation. Time to scope out the other mommies. Why are they all so good looking? Why are they all in super cute bathing suits? Why are they all wearing jewelry? Huge, dangly earrings, people! Who the fuck wears huge dangly earrings to the pool? 

Snobby bitches, that's who.

I will be the first to admit that I am a judgmental cow. I look at your dangly earrings and cute bikini (and how the shit after multiple children you can have a stomach that does not look like a pumpkin that's sat on the porch for a month after Halloween, I have no idea) and - are you drinking a mojito? - I have you pegged. Your kids are always clean and wear boutique dresses and you monogramm everything. You shave your legs frequently, and have your brows waxed before they look like Andy Rooney's. You read Nicholas Sparks. Oh yes, I know all about you.

I am a little bit jealous.

Recently, an acquaintance said something to me along the lines of "You're always so put together." I actually looked around, thinking maybe someone else had come up behind me. "What?" I laughed. "You know," she said, "You always look nice and your house is clean and your kids are so well behaved." My kids? You do know who my kids are, right? Then I realized - she thinks I'm one of them! She thinks I'm a snobby bitch! How is this possible?

I LOVE RAMEN NOODLES! I want to shout. I have chronically bad gas! I actually suggested to my husband this very evening that he just strip the baby down and hose him off in the backyard, in lieu of a bath! I am the very antithesis of a snobby bitch (except maybe when it comes to books, because there is simply no fucking reason anyone should ever read Nicholas Sparks. Ever.).

How can someone have such a hugely wrong impression of me, based on seeing me a handful of times - times when I have actually managed not to have food on my shirt? Ohhhhhh, I think. Have I given the snobby bitches a fair shake? Have I given them a chance? I may be right, they may be petty and small and want nothing to do with me. But the least I could do is pull up a chair, and give them the opportunity to prove me wrong.

I draw the line at dangly earrings, though. 

10 comments:

  1. I LOVE Nicholas Sparks . . . . he writes about the towns of my childohood!

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  2. I will give you a pass, Wendy. ;) Along with any other Sparks fans - no one's perfect! lol

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  3. Once again Kelly, you make me laugh out loud! You put into words, what other people think. I have a friend who insists I join their neighborhood pool. Why would I want to pay to join a pool and drive 15 minutes to get there, when I have a pool in my backyard, and a newly constructed pool house. I can go out back, literally, hang out in my bikini, not worry that I look to fat, and grab an ice cold beer whenever I want. Then when the kids start fighting, I can ground them from the pool, and have the whole thing to myself. :)

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  4. You're wearing a dress in the picture up top. Everyone looks like they match and are clean. I bet you're even wearing makeup.

    I am crying I'm laughing so hard over the pumpkin left on the porch though.

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  5. You'll win them all over, have a fun summer and I'll be visiting soon :)

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  6. "Don't compare your insides to their outside!" .....a little wisdom I heard somewhere that really helps me get through situations like the one you describe......and pumpkin stomach....HILARIOUS!!!
    Tina

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  7. Girl, you crack me up! I know some of those women you are talking about and even know some that don't wear suits to the pool at all! Just their nice Lilly attire with sandals and a hat. They do not have a need to wear a suit or get in the pool because "that is what the lifeguards are for." Ha!

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  8. Its posts like this that make me glad I'm sculpting my child into a hermit by not leaving the house except for Target runs. (Only slightly exaggerating). I hate a snobby bitch as much as the next girl but I fear I am one too. All this time spent in my house makes for a pretty freaking clean house. And I buy the best Ralph Lauren outfits at the consignment shop so my boy always looks a tiny preppy frat boy.

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  9. OH CRACK~ You are 100% right... you are the biggest book snob that I know! Also- EVERYONE knows that big dangly earings are just as important as ones towel when at the pool!! Just ask Snooki or JWOWW... duh.

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