Friday, October 21, 2011

Number Thirty-Three

While I was compiling my list of Thirty-Nine things to do while I'm thirty-nine, I got a little desperate. I got a little silly.

I got a little stupid.

Especially right around Number Thirty-Three:  Find out exactly how many mini-marshmallows I can fit in my mouth at once.

Look, I'll be honest with you. I thought it would be kind of funny, I would take funny pictures and it would be an easy blog post for a day when I was feeling lazy. Which honestly is most days; it's amazing all my posts aren't about how much of something I can eat, or how much it hurts to remove my mustache. Going in to it with that attitude makes me a little bit of an asshole.

And in the end, I got what I deserved.

First, I assembled my equipment:

1. The Mini-Marshmallows: Separated into groups of 25, for a total of 150. Looking at the piles, and knowing I have a ginormous mouth, I think this is doable.
2. Beverage: Sweet tea, of course.
3. Lip Gloss: If I'm going to take pictures of my face stuffed with marshmallows, I certainly don't want a nude lip!
4. Fire Extinguisher: Because I am going to look so hot that I might actually catch on fire. I had planned on safety goggles, but forgot them and was too a) lazy and b) traumatized to repeat the experiment.

Here I am, pre-stuffing. I am a little nervous, though I'm not sure why. It's not like I'm doing something important, like talking to a big group of people about anal fissures, or taking an online personality quiz.
Lip glosssssss!   

In goes the first group of 25. No big deal, but they take up a lot more room than I thought they would. I have to shove them in pretty fast, otherwise they get a little melty and that's not exactly an accurate assessment of how many marshmallows will fit in there. As you can see, I did a lot of thinking and research before conducting the experiment. At least five minutes, maybe seven.

And then the second handful (that's 50 marshmallows so far):

I am starting to think that 150 marshmallows might have been more than a little ambitious. But I think I can do one more pile:

Right after I snapped this picture, I actually inhaled one of the marshmallows and it caught a little in my throat. I started coughing, but was still trying desperately to hold the remaining marshmallows in my mouth. I knew this guy in high school who could put a cracker on his tongue, close his mouth, snort an oyster up his nose, then open his mouth. The oyster would be sitting on the cracker. With this in mind, I started doing this horking, snorting, snuffing thing, thinking maybe I could dislodge the marshmallow in my throat by shooting it through my nostrils, and not lose any of the ones in my mouth.

I know. At the time it made perfect sense.

The marshmallow in my throat finally let loose, and I had managed to keep all the ones in my mouth. It wouldn't be fair to count the one I'd swallowed, so I shoved another in my mouth, then a few more (because I'm an overachiever).

The final count: 67 marshmallows.
I find this hugely disappointing.

I'll be back, mini marshmallows. You may have defeated me this time, but I will have my day. I WILL HAVE MY DAY!


  1. Once, upon meeting a new friend, he demanded I list 5 interesting things about myself. One of them was the number of Planter's Cheese Balls I could fit in my mouth. Imagine my disappointment when they discontinued Planter's Cheese Balls.

  2. My sisters did the same thing in the car one night with those little white powdered sugar donuts. All was well, until one inhaled and the pouf of powder went down her throat.

  3. So... the funniest thing about this is that you are actually trying to smile in these pictures. By the 3rd shot, I can't tell if you're in pain or just really questioning your sanity. Me thinks a little of both ;) But you look mahhhvelous and kudos on not using the jumbo, s'mores variety of marshmallows!

  4. I think 67 is pretty darn good! Go Kelly!


  5. Squig, I loved those cheese balls.
    Sandi, I have done the same thing! those things are dangerous!
    kristen, I WAS in pain, lol.
    MOV, thank you for the validation!