Sunday, February 27, 2011

Mommy Wars - Baby Edition

Moms are a curious breed. While our male counterparts are out competing with each other via the size of their TVs and trajectory of their golf swing, our greatest weapons are our children.

It starts during pregnancy. There's nothing a group of women love more than surrounding a pregnant first time mom-to-be and bitching and moaning about how awful their pregnancies were, how long their labors, how the doctor noted that it was the biggest/longest/most dangerous whatever he had ever seen. If you've wondered if there's a secret scorecard system, there is. It goes something like this:

Straightforward, vaginal delivery - 1 point
Unplanned c-section - 1.5 points
Planned c-section - .5 points
Emergency c-section - 2 points
Drug free - 3 points
Labor Under 12 hours - 1 point
Over 12 - 2 points
Over 24 - 4 points

etc. Bonus points awarded for things like pooping on the floor, yelling FUCK YOU! to anyone in the room, and having the presence of mind to tell off one or more of the medical staff because they are not following your birth plan. I SAID NO HIP HOP! YOU ARE RUINING MY CHI!

After delivery and recovery, we can move on to the really cutthroat part of the competition. Bottle or breast? If you nursed, for how long (bonus if your child refused to ever take a bottle!)? When was he holding his head up? Sitting? Crawling? Do you make your own baby food? Is it organic? How much does he weigh? He seems awfully tall. Is he tall? Look at all that hair (I always win this one)! Then, the penultimate goal for the first year - when did he start walking?

There's always some nutjob in your circle who insists that their infant is either potty training or reading. There is actually a process called "elimination communication" in which you run to the toilet every few minutes with your wee babe and hold them over it. When they invariably produce something, you can announce to your friends and family that your child is potty trained at 8 months.

The commercials for the your-baby-can-read programs are equally ridiculous. I do not believe that an 18 month old can sit down and read. I call bullshittery. If they can, I've said it before -big deal. Your baby is reading, but he's also still shitting his pants. I'd rather have a kid who can use a toilet than one who can read Green Eggs & Ham.

If you have a kid who can read and does elimination communication - you win. I can't compete with that.

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