Thursday, May 31, 2012

I Don't Need a Book Deal, I'm Kreativ!

Tara at Faith in Ambiguity recently bestowed upon me the Kreativ Blogger award. Tara is a talented and beautiful writer, and really much smarter than me, and I am honored and flattered. I am so honored and flattered that I will ignore the kreativ spelling, which would normally make me irrationally angry. One time, I Hulk-Smashed the frosted snack cake display at a Kwik Mart because it had a sign that read '2-Day Only! Tastee Cake's Your Gonna Love!'.

I was pissed that I was in a Kwik Mart to begin with.

So, I'm supposed to:
1. Thank and link the presenter of the award.
2. Answer the 10 questions below.
3. Share 10 random facts about yourself.
4. Nominate 7 worthy blogs for the Kreativ Blogger Award.
5. Eat some chocolate.

(I just added that last one, but I need some incentive to do this thing.)

The Questions:

1. What is your favorite song? This is a bullshit question, because no one has A favorite song. We have favorite songs with qualifiers, like Favorite Song While I'm...(exercising, cleaning house, doin' it, whatever). So my favorite song while I'm getting ready for a dinner party is Let Love Rule by Lenny Kravitz. In fact, that whole album lets me get my groove on whilst chopping vegetables and arranging attractive hors d'oeuvres platters.

2. What is your favorite dessert? I like to say, 'Even shitty cake is still cake.' I love sweets, and it's hard to pick just one. So I'll qualify this one, too, and say that my favorite cake is carrot cake. I am sure that will disappoint some of you.

3. What ticks you off? I am an angry person trapped inside a happy person's body. I am quietly seething with rage against lidless toothpaste tubes and empty toilet paper rolls and improperly restained children in vehicles. What ticks me off? A whole hell of a lot.

4. When you're upset, what do you do? Cry and pout like a big baby and make grandly stupid statements like WELL FINE I WILL NEVER TOUCH YOUR STUPID FOOT AGAIN EVEN IF YOU ASKED ME TO, EVEN IF YOU WERE GOING TO DIE IF I DON'T TOUCH YOUR STUPID FOOT.

5. Which is/was your favorite pet? Shutup Roxy is next to me right now, looking at me with her big, dumb, cow eyes and cutting farts like an old man. She is such a jerk, but I love her.

6. Which do you prefer to wear, black or white? What mother of three children and proud owner of a meat apron prefers to wear white? Are you serious?

7. What is your biggest fear? The fear of losing one of my children is so strangling, overwhelming, and heartbreaking to think of, that I refuse to name it as a fear. Because it is more than a fear, it is the worst horror imaginable, and one that I would die a thousand deaths to avoid. That's all a little heavy, so let's go with mice. I hate those little fuckers, they make me cry!

8. What is your attitude, mostly? Mostly, I think that you get what you give. I think that everyone has the right to be treated with kindness and respect, regardless of age or station or beliefs or appearance. I think most people are mostly good. Most of the time.

9. What is perfection? Any moment where I manage to be completely in the moment, and not thinking about the laundry, or what's for dinner, or what I have to do next. I have a hundred such moments every day, and I wish I could string them together and live on that string. But knowing that another one is just around the corner is as close as I'll get, and that's close enough.

10. What is your guilty pleasure? Oh, I have lots, but I don't feel guilty about a single one.

Random Facts:

1. You know those enormous California Burritos at Mexican restaurants? The one that the server encourages you to share? The one where you look at the picture and think, 'What kind of hog could eat that whole thing?' Me. The answer is ME.

2. I can talk in a voice that sounds like I've sucked helium. I showcase it with a rousing rendition of the Lollipop Guild song from The Wizard of Oz. People tend to find it either really cool or really annoying, and never anything in between.

3. I say I never expect to win anything, but in reality I always expect to win.

4. One time, I gave Bill Gates a tour of a cruise ship. He was very nice and wore a funny little sailor cap, because he thought it was funny. I admired that.

5. I am not allowed on the premises the Airport Hilton in Atlanta, due to the Great Restroom Incident of '99.

6. I played volleyball in high school for exactly three weeks, until I learned that it I possess no volleyball skills. Plus, the theater people had all the weed.

7. I have insanely good hearing. It almost makes up for my horrible vision.

8. I am having a shit of a time coming up with ten semi-interesting facts about myself. OH! I have a third nipple! No, I'm kidding, I don't. That would be super interesting, though.

9. I wish I weren't quite so...white. Homogenous. I mean, I'm not one of those fruit loops who's going to start grossly inappropriate cultural appropriation. I'm not going to start walking around in a sombrero or get a Celtic tattoo or anything. But maybe I can start talking vaguely of a 'homeland' and celebrate obscure holidays by drinking lots of beer and eating a certain color of food. What? Someone does this already?

10. I continued to be humbled and thankful that people take the time to read my bullshit, and comment on it, and find it worthy enough for recognition and promotion. I am not always good about responding to comments, but I do read everything that you write down there, and am so appreciative of your support. Truly, thank you.

AND NOW, the bloggers I'm passing this along to. These are all people who inspire me with their creativity. They don't just think outside the box, they take the box and throw it on the ground and stomp on it and rip it to shreds and yell SCREW YOU, BOX! They are sometimes funny and always smart, and always keep me coming back for more.

(Dude. I am lazy and on the ipad and linkies are hard work on a touchscreen. Cut me some slack and pick up the link over there in my left sidebar. All these folks are there.)

We Band of Mothers
Off the Beaten Plan
Haley's Comic
Just Inappropriate
Clay Baboons


  1. Number 9 is my favorite random fact, and besides I knew all the other ones....haha, even the reason you quit volleyball!

  2. You should totally choose a new culture to embrace every day, how fun would that be? (not in a inappropriate way of course.) Imagine how "well traveled" the kids would become!!

  3. Holy crap I have the biggest crush on you.

  4. I always expect to win, too. I believe I will win the lottery. A big freaking pot, too, not one of those "Cool, I can pay off my bar tab now" kind of deals.

    1. My husband is convinced we're going to win it! I also always get a little pissed when I don't win. What a butthole!

  5. Hi Kelly,

    Congratulations on your Kreativ Blogger Award! Yay! You totally deserve it. And you also deserve to win Lotto, but that one is out of my hands.

    Thank you so much for tagging me! (does this mean you are gonna swing by my house and do a giant graffiti mural to "tag" my house? that would be so cool! well, The Husband might not like it, but what does he know?)

    I absolutely loooooooooove your writing, every word, I gobble it up like it is melty M&M's and I am starving and will never get to have chocolate again, yes, that is how I love your words. WRITE MORE. RIGHT THIS INSTANT.

    Seriously, you get better and better every single day. I read your essays and think, "That is awesome, she has hit her peak, she can't write anything this good again," and then WHAM-- you do! Brava!

    I wanted to tell you that I love what your wrote for #8 (not the list with the 3rd nipple, the other list). You said about treating people with kindness and respect. The Husband and I had those EXACT words in our wedding vows instead of "love, honor, and obey" we said "love, honor, and treat with kindness and respect." Every once in a while, I will whip those words out and say, "You are not being very kind to me right now!!!" to which he will reply, "You are not being respectful!!"

    I also want to say I LOVE all the other blogs you tagged. *sigh* *swoon* RAW TALENT, I tell ya, LOTS OF IT.


    1. MOV, thank you so much.
      You have been one of my biggest supporters and promoters, and givin me such incredible feedback. (I just made a typo and the ipad is not letting me change it. I have to acknowledge it though. Virgo, you know.) I really don't know how to tell you how much I appreciate it.

      Thank you, thank you, thank you.

  6. Wait. You can sing the Lollipop Guild song in a high falsetto? Why in the name of all that is holy have you not posted some video of this on your blog yet?? You know how I am about all things kitsch musical.

    Thank you for the mention! And like you, I often have to defend my overly white status by pointing out my black eyes and (once) black here, insisting that I am actually part of the "Black Irish" who trace their lineage to the Spanish Armada. I then start quoting from my sophomore high school Spanish presentation to underlie the point:

    Es necessario practicar todos los dias si quieres tener buenos resultados.

    Hasta luego, mi amiga!

    1. I don't think I can do the video thing. I would have to get a little drunk first.

  7. I always think I'll win, too. And just today BlogHer has rudely informed me that I am NOT one of their Voices of the Year. I was lead to believe, as an only child growing up in a liberal family, that I could more or less show up and make my own damn fairy dust. So where's my book deal, bitches? And these people are telling me I didn't win the Erma Bombeck humor writing contest? I paid $25 for that entry. It's enough to make me want to throw out my "I'm Special" Care Bears t-shirt.

    By the way, I love you. I could eat two of those burritos (if I wasn't allergic to everything in them.)

  8. I thought your idea of perfection was interesting and well worded. Oh to be able to just live on that string.

  9. I am always going to like a girl who loves food. Bad cake is still cake, and my stomach is grateful for every morsel. I, too, can eat a giant burrito. I walk away from that restaurant looking like I am five months pregnant. Pure joy.

    1. And do you run home and take off your pants? I do.

  10. I very much fear that I WILL DIE if you do not write about the Great Restroom Incident of '99...

  11. Congrats on your award! So many interesting things you included here, Kelly. I think I can relate to Q&A # 6 (I don't think I even own anything in white anymore) and 7 (no explanation needed) most of all. :)

    1. Thanks, Super! I almost bought a white shirt today, then I remembered who I was.

  12. Love your response to the guilty pleasure question. I once read a Chuck Klosterman column where he talked about how much he hates that expression because it seems to imply that if you weren't [insert guilty pleasure here] you would be doing something wholesome and worthwhile like curing cancer or at least reading classic literature.