Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Work is for Suckers

There is a chance that at some point in my life, I'm going to have to go back to work. I am going to have to sit in some stupid office while some jackleg bosses me around. I desperately hope that doesn't happen (because I don't know how I'll find time for my weekly coffee klatch at Panera and my hours spent surfing the internet doing...uh...research.) but it might. God forbid, it might.

Unless - unless I come up with a really awesome way to make a boatload of money without actually doing any work. That is legal. And doesn't involve a webcam and a small pony.

One of our dreams is to run an organic farm with a small restaurant attached to it. Then I'd also put in a little bookstore, and at night I'd work on The Great American Novel. And then I'd start a community garden and revamp our school lunch program and fund a scholarship for children of migrant workers and go back to culinary school and learn Spanish and take fencing lessons and become a world class fencer then write a musical based on my life, which I will star in on Broadway.

It's not vision I lack, it's focus.

I have no knowledge of anything scientific-y, and all the easy inventions (the wheel, sliced bread, wine in a box) have been done. All other types of inventions are too haaaaaard, and my resources are all concentrated on keeping my kids from sticking forks in the electrical sockets.

The Pioneer Woman pretty much ruined anyone getting discovered and handed a gazillion dollars for writing a stupid blog. Thanks, bitch.

Can you get paid to window shop at Baby Gap?

It's not that I don't have skills, it's just that I don't have skills that translate into a paying job. Can I pick crusty boogers out of a baby's nose? YES. Can I cook a meal while doing math homework, helping Diego jump to the next level and find Baby Jaguar, and nurse an acrobat all at the same time? YES. Can I talk on the phone while googling the 1947 Best Actress Oscar winner and trying to think of a way to work the phrase "cornhole toss" into my blog? YES! YES! YES!

The only job these things qualify me for is the one I currently have. And I'll be honest, the pay is shit. But the perks are pretty great.


  1. You are so hilarious and have tremendous insight into the not so average stay-at-home mom!

  2. Have you considered trying out as a
    God knows those people who are not in your sphere would have no idea what the hell you're talking about, AND you would be a sensation!!!