Schlub

My husband is a pretty snappy dresser. My kids, completely adorable. Me, schlubby.

I have fabulous, expensive taste, but I'm a complete tightwad when it comes to purchasing things for myself. Sean says "You buy cheap shit, and you're always disappointed." I'd be insulted if it weren't so completely true. He also says I have a self-imposed false martyrdom. I'm not exactly sure what he means by that, but I know it's not a compliment. He is just full of little nuggets, isn't he?

I'm also perpetually waiting to lose 15 pounds. Then, magically, my body will revert to way it was before I had three children. The meat apron will disappear, and my boobs will be back on my chest, like God intended. As it is now, my nipples and my navel are intimate friends.

Every few months, I go out and purchase the Momiform for the season as cheaply as possible (because, why spend money on things that I will very soon be too thin to wear, right?). There is generally one key item in pulling the whole look together. This past winter, it was the cape sweater over a long sleeved tee and a jaunty scarf. The year before it was the quilted vest. Spring time calls for the quintessential capris and tee shirt, but this year I'm adding a twist - the cardigan! Note how all these pieces are designed to layer over another piece, cleverly disguising the dreaded muffin top! Thank you, Old Navy, for your stupid ass talking mannequins and cheap clothing that allow me to restock at such low, low prices and wear something for three months until it falls apart.

And then there are the shoes. In my closet, I have a few pair of cheap brown shoes purchased two presidents ago, and a pair of red patent leather shoes that I have now decided go with everything. I also have 3 pair of flip flops which I got for $6 a pair and a really expensive pair of running shoes that don't count. Running shoes are like buying tires or cheese - go cheap and you end up having a blow out. I did have a pair of black flats, but I finally tossed them when I discovered that, in the sunlight, you could tell where I'd colored in the toes with a sharpie to hide the scuff marks (but thanks, Nicole G, for the tip!).

What kind of woman am I?

Today, I am going to go buy some shoes. Maybe even two pair.

As soon as I find my flip flops.