Wednesday, September 21, 2011

In the Mood

There is long list of things that must occur before sessy time can take place in the magical wonderland that is our bedroom. Planets must align. Choirs of angels must sing. Stars must congregate in the sky in the form of the Trojan Man.

Not so subtle hints start getting thrown out around 6.

Sooooo, look really good in those mom jeans.
Oh, I'd love to. Let's get everyone to bed on time and make it happen.

7:30 - OK, everyone has had a bath and supper! Into bed! What's that, Katie? You need a Native American costume for a presentation tomorrow? Hahahaha. OK, let's whip one together from a paper bag and some pipe cleaners.

8:00 - OK, for reals. Everyone in bed.

9:00 - After rocking, nursing, crying, rocking, pooping, playing, rocking, nursing...the baby finally gets to sleep.

Dude, I haven't showered today. And maybe yesterday. Give me 10 minutes.

9:15 - Out of the shower to the sounds of Zamfir's bitchin' pan flute coming through the iPhone. The lights are dimmed, a candle burns softly in the Thanksgiving themed votive holder Katie made in second grade. Nice. Nothing makes me hotter than the site of Tom Turkey peering at me with googly eyes over a vanilla scented Dollar Tree candle.

9:20 - I crawl into bed and begin my stretching and moaning regime.

Geeeez. My back is killing me.
I'm not rubbing your back.
I didn't ask you to! I'm just stretching. And I'm warning you - leave my boobs alone. Henry's been chewing my nipples and, just don't mess with them.

9:22 - As if on cue, the baby wakes up.

9:47 - I crawl back in bed.
Are you asleep?
OK, where were we?
You were telling me not to touch you.
Oh MY GOD. Are you going to start with that?
Will you stop arguing! It's always something.
OK OK OK, just stop. Let's start over. Will you rub my back a little?
OK! (I turn over and the tummy, it is grumbly). Oh geez.
What now?
I shouldn't have eaten all that granola. I'm a little gassy.
Are you going to fart? If you're going to fart, will you please leave the room?
OH MY GOD. ONE TIME. ONE TIME in 20 years, I fart during sex and now all of sudden I'm constantly farting!
It was one time, in my face.
Honestly, you're lucky it hasn't happened more. Statistically speaking...
Will you shut up?
I'm sorry. Of course, where were we?
Was that the baby?
There's always tomorrow night. 

On the upside, I have perfected my granola bar recipe!

Granola Bars
Makes approximately 24 2x2 inch bars, recipe can halved - adjust pan size and baking time to about 20-25 minutes


  • 16 ounces old-fashioned rolled oats, approximately 4 cups
  • 3 ounces raw sunflower seeds, approximately 1 cup
  • 1 cup shredded coconut
  • 3 ounces wheat germ, approximately 1 cup
  • 6 ounces honey, approximately 1/2 cup
  • 6 ounces maple syrup, approximately 1/2 cup
  • 1/2 cup Dark brown sugar, packed
  • 2-ounce (4 T) unsalted butter, plus extra for pan
  • 4 teaspoons vanilla extract
  • 1 teaspoon kosher salt
  • 1 cup dried fruit, any combination (I use craisins)
  • 3/4 cup semisweet chocolate chips


Butter a 9 by 13-inch glass baking dish and set aside. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.

Spread the oats, sunflower seeds, coconut, and wheat germ onto a sheet pan. Place in the oven and toast for 15 minutes, stirring occasionally.
In the meantime, combine the honey, maple syrup, brown sugar, butter, extract and salt in a medium saucepan and place over medium heat. Cook until the brown sugar has completely dissolved.
Once the oat mixture is done, remove it from the oven and reduce the heat to 300 degrees F. Immediately add the oat mixture to the liquid mixture, add the dried fruit, and stir to combine. Add the chocolate chips and stir gently. Turn mixture out into the prepared baking dish and press down, evenly distributing the mixture in the dish and place in the oven to bake for approximately 35 minutes (top will be dry, but still springy when pressed down). Remove from the oven and allow to cool completely. Cut into squares and store in an airtight container for up to a week.
Bars cut best when completely cool.


  1. lol. you really put a hilarious spin on things. WRITE A BOOK! -y

  2. I just wanted to thank you for a post that includes the tags, "granola, sex, turkeys." Amazing!

  3. It wouldn't be funny if it weren't true! Valerie, sometimes the tags are my favorite part of a post!