Sunday, October 16, 2011

One Man's Junk E-Mail

Once every few days, I check my e-mail's junk folder. Just in case I've had a very important message - like Blogger letting me know I'm Blog of Note, or Skirt! offering me a job writing a monthly article, or Erma Bombeck coming back from the dead to give me a virtual fist bump - inadvertently bypass my inbox. While I've yet to receive any of those long-awaited messages, I have gotten more than my share of promises for fame, fortune, and a huge dong.

Sometimes, like today, the subject lines are arranged in such a way that brings me great amusement.
Which penis enlargement medications work?
Just label it!
Do you want to forget about...
Korean hand workshop this weekend! 
All you need is...
Turkey workshop

So, wait. Which is it that I need? The Korean hand workshop? Or the Turkey workshop? I'd have to open them to find out.

The Korean hand workshop (which is being held in the slightly larger town right next to my very small town), promises:
Korean Hand Reflex Therapy is a reflex therapy system for restoring health through the hands.  KHT was discovered in 1975 and is now applied worldwide
by thousands of lay persons as well as health care practitioners. 

You will be able to treat yourself and others by the end of the seminar.
So, when the class is over, they want me to give someone I've just met a handjob? I'm not sure about that. Let's see what the Turkey Workshop is all about.

Brine, truss, season and roast the ultimate holiday bird. Receive coaching on what type and size of turkey to select; then learn how to season and roast it. We’ll even give you tips for reheating and making the most of those seemingly endless leftovers. This technique-intensive hands-on workshop is designed for the greenest rookie to the most seasoned professional.
That's it? It really is just a workshop about...turkeys? Not figurative turkeys or jive turkeys or turkeys as a euphemism for a penis, just - turkeys. How boring. 
Anyone up for a Korean hand workshop?


  1. Kelly,

    I sometimes scroll thru my spam box for the very same reason. Then I remember why it is called "SPAM" (Seductive Pathetic Advertising Menace). (Kelly, please do not have your feelings hurt by my harsh assessment of spam if you are indeed planning to go to the Turkey Labeling Workshop and I basically just said it was crap. I was referring to the *other* items on the list. Unless you were being double ironic, and in that case plan to go to all these workshops and spend money on all those things. Then they are all great. WHY WHY WHY DO I HAVE A PATHOLOGICAL NEED TO NOT OFFEND ANYONE EVER?!).

    So. Spam is great. You're great. Turkeys are great.

    (And here's a fistbump and a "Woo-hoo, Kelly!" that I channeled from Erma Bombeck to you. You're welcome.)

  2. Not only am I serious about the Turkey Labeling Workshop, I was really hoping you'd go with me. :(

  3. If you live in the Upper Midwest, near Minnesota, could you keep an eye out for an extremely pale-colored juvenile Red-tailed hawk, perhaps wearing a pair of straps tied to its legs (dumbing down the falconry shiz for you.)? An apprentice lost his first bird, so everyone's on the lookout. If you do see said hawk (name- Annabelle) go to and smack a comment.

    -Motaki, Aspiring Austringer

  4. Also- the juvenile birds don't have red tails. Watch out.