J is for Jobs

"I used to plan big parties," I said to Julia the other day, after she asked me what I did when I worked.

"Nu-Uh!" she said, like that was too cool a job for her dopey old mom. "What other jobs did you have?" she asked. So I started thinking.

The first job I ever had was working for a temp agency when I was 14. I had some thrilling assignments, like the day I spent licking stamps (no shit, those assholes didn't have a sponge), or the time I was sent to an old woman's house to help her pack. Four thousand Hummel figurines, each individually wrapped in three (not two, or four, but exactly three) sheets of newspaper.

It was the first in a long list of jobs that culminated in the position that I hold today, the pinnacle of my career - stay at home mom.

Licking stamps paid better.

After the temp agency, I-
Worked as a waitress
As a decorator-ish (because they couldn't afford a real decorator)
As a caterer
For a real estate company, where I collated my ass off
Again as a caterer
At a gym, where I swiped membership cards and washed towels and worked out in between smoke breaks
As a wedding planner and caterer spy for a lunatic
As the secretary, AR/AP, merchandiser, ad copy writer and retail store manager for a company that made gloves out of deerskin (guess what everyone got for Christmas that year?)
As a telephone survey taker (most thankless job ever)
As a secretary, then ticket manager, then hospitality manager, then director of corporate events for the best company I ever worked for, which I quit because I am a idiot
As the Marketing Manager and event coordinator for a lunatic
As an independent meeting and event planner and travel director

And you know what I learned from all that? Working sucks. It is hard and stressful and your boss is almost always a lunatic, and you wake up every morning thinking, "Good hell. I have to do all that again today?"

It's not much different than my job now, except now my bosses give me hugs and kisses and tell me they love me. They're still lunatics, but they're awfully cute.