Saturday, July 16, 2011

The Time I Almost Died Removing My Facial Hair

You may recall me complaining about my Wilford Brimley mustache a few months ago. After that post, I got a recommendation for a new hair removal product. I saw it today at Target, and with our annual beach vacation looming, I thought I'd give it a try (being mistaken for a beached walrus would be bad).

I also decided to chronicle the experience for your viewing pleasure. What follows is the most unflattering and, frankly, disturbing series of pictures ever taken of yours truly.

First, the application. That's a sexy time pose, by the way.
I had to wait 10 minutes before removal. 10 minutes is a long time in my world. My kids are asleep and I'm bored, so I paint my fingernails. BECAUSE I AM CRAZY LIKE THAT. I must have lost track of time, because the next thing I know, my upper lip is kind of burn-y. I wipe the cream off with a cotton ball (hair comes off! Success!) and rinse with cool water. It is still kind of burn-y. I am a little worried.
I rummage through the cabinet to find some soothing relief-
And then decide that taking a picture of myself crosseyed would be funny.
Wait a minute.
What the fuck? I'm not crosseyed. Let's try that again.
WHAT IS GOING ON HERE? How did I cross one eye? And why is one of my nostrils freakishly bigger than the other?

Oh my God. I'm having a stroke. Is it possible to have a stroke that only affects your ability to cross your eyes? I'm certain it is. This may be a good time to mention that of all the potential, realistic ways to go (getting hit by a milk truck, tripping and falling in a field of forks, getting trapped in a giant clothes dryer), a stroke is my number one, this shit will kill me, fear. Foot falls asleep? Stroke. Ringing in my ears? Stroke. Hangnail? Stroke.

So you can see why I was alarmed. Maybe if I look at my finger.
That didn't work either! I am FREAKING OUT!
 But I like this picture very much, because I look like Kermit the Frog. This makes me laugh, and I notice that my face is no longer burning.

And don't my nails look cute?


  1. That is some sexy eyebrow action you have going on there!

    Terrifying story. My husband had a stroke(TIA) 2 years ago, well, he had two strokes but I only knew about one of them. It wasn't a normal stroke, but a cerebellar stroke, and so it affected his ability to walk, and apparently, when you are in the middle of a stroke, you have this sense of "everything's wonderful" so he didn't think anything was wrong with him, though he kept falling down when he tried to walk, and he refused to go to the ER saying it was just an inner ear infection. I got him to go to the doctor on Monday (it was Saturday that it happened) and she told him it was indeed a stroke and to listen to his wife next time and go to the ER to avoid dying or permanent brain damage. Now, I freak out any time he trips over anything or loses his step. So you can add that to things to worry you are having a stroke about too. =)

  2. J Rose, you are freaking me out! I fall down all the time, for no apparent reason. Maybe I should make a preemptive visit to the ER, so they know me by sight when I come in for reals.

  3. Oh gawd, you slay me!

  4. Dude, are you naked while hair removing????
    Kim :)

  5. I'm sitting here trying to stifle laughs so the kids don't say "What's so funny?" while trying to look over my shoulder. I needed a good silent laugh tonight!

  6. Kelly, I adore you. I really do! LMAO

  7. So...what is the name of the "only burn-y for a few moments hair remover"? I have never used one and only want to use one that come with a recommendation! I can handle a few minutes of that if no redness or bumps follow!!