Monday, April 25, 2011

Worst Case Scenario

If you were sitting on your couch in the middle of the day, nursing your baby, and a crazy Hare Krishna rapist (it could happen) burst through the front door, do you know what you'd do?

I do.*

Because if there is some crazy ass scenario that puts me or my family in danger, I have imagined it. Not only have I imagined it, I have carefully deconstructed it, and worked through all the possible approaches to arrive at the best possible outcome. The best possible outcome usually involves me kicking someone in the balls or pulling some jujitsu move (I am not even sure what jujitsu is, I just like the sound of it).

Today, as I'm leaving Costco with the two littles and my mom, and Julia asks if she can ride home with grandma, I say 'sure'. Then I spend the entire ride home thinking about what I'm going to do if they have a (not very serious) wreck that I witness in my rearview mirror.

I'll pull over to the side of the road, using incredible driving skills to weave through traffic in a speedy yet not dangerous way. I'll leap from the car and start, wait. I can't leave Henry in the car. I'll have to leap from the car and run around and get Henry, wait. I will slide over the hood of the car to get to Henry's side. I've always wanted to do that!

So, I'll slide over the hood of the car and get Henry out of his seat. For the first time ever, he will not arch his back and try to throw his body out of the car while I struggle with the buckle. I will run, carrying him - actually, I will throw him over my shoulder and he will put his arms around my neck and hold on, he can do that! - down the side of the road to the car, where I will find them slightly shaken, but no worse for wear.

Then I remember I'm wearing sandals and silently curse my inability to run in a wedge. DAMN IT!

I am also prepared should a plane crash on our street, or it starts raining toads, or we're invaded by the Russians (a la Red Dawn - Wolverines!).

And yet, I'm not sure we have any Band-Aids.

*I envisioned this exact scenario dozens of times as I sat on the couch nursing my newborn Henry. The short answer is run like hell straight out the back door. After much reflection, and one ill advised dry run, I decided it was best to use the gate to get out of the back yard, rather than jumping the fence.


  1. ROFL! So hilarious. It seems like every time my brain goes into auto-mode, I can't help myself from imagining my reactions to various ridiculous scenarios. Burglars, fires, and speeding cars are my personal favorites. I think this is normal?