One of the suggestions I received for a post was to share something about myself that I wouldn't normally share.
This rules out any talk of bodily functions, wardrobe malfunctions or screaming banshee children. I have very few personal boundaries, so in order to tell you something I wouldn't normally, I have to get painfully honest. That doesn't sound like much fun.
When I started writing this, I had decided to tell you how much I hated answering the question - "So, where did you go to college?" Because, of course, I didn't. I had intended to take a year off, then go to a performing arts school and have a life in theater in some capacity. But I never went back, and for the past 20 odd years, I have waved it off with the comment, "Life happens."
The truth is, I was scared. I never went because I was afraid someone was going to sit in front of me and tell me what I already knew - that I was good, but not good enough. That I could work hard and practice and devote my life to theater and it would never be enough to make me into something I wasn't. Unwillingly to fail, unwillingly to be mediocre, unwilling to try, I gave up.
While I would never change the path my life has taken, not trying remains my greatest regret.
It's a problem for me, the not trying. No sooner do I commit to something than I start planning my exit strategy. If ever I'm presented with a challenge, there is always a reason I can't get it done. Rather than take the chance, I expend all my energy on getting the hell out. It is so much easier, the well traveled path. I love my rut - it is cozy and warm and safe, and I know well and navigate with ease the little bumps it contains.
There are things I want to do, but just typing this, just thinking about it, my throat is lumpy and my eyes are hot with tears. If I fail, will my family stop loving me? Will my friends desert me? Will my life change in any measurable way? No. So why do I find it so hard to just stop with all the bullshit and take the first step? I am comfortable with who I am, and hopeful of who I could be, and so very unsure of getting there.
2 years ago
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I cna understand being scared of failure, but for what it is worth, I think you would be FABULOUS in theater. I would pay oddles of money that I don't really have to see you perform.
ReplyDeleteGulp! You showed your courage by just writing this and owning up to it. It is impossible to change anything without first acknowledging it. You would be great at anything you put your mind to!!
ReplyDeleteI totally understand you. I'm the same person.
ReplyDeleteBut honestly, you've been so successful and charming and hilarious in this blog. And committed too! What makes you think that anything else you decide to do in life would be any different? You're a superstar (and I say that without an ounce of dorkyness), and you can still achieve anything you truly want (even if you are almost 40... lol.....).
I often wonder if I could have made it in art. But I still do it when I can. You are being creative in this blog. And you are doing one of the most difficult and important jobs in the world. Mom. And your are doing a fantastic job. And you are passing your creativity on to three little beings. Would've, could've, should've. Life is what happens when you're busy making plans. Enjoy!! Put on plays for your kids! Have your children put on plays for the neighborhood!
ReplyDeleteYou guys are such a huge ego stroke, thank you, lol! (and I actually don't want to be on stage anymore, I have enough drama here at home!)
ReplyDeleteThis all coming from the most creative, funny and detail-orientaded woman I know. No matter what you set out to do you always accomplish your goals. You are a Superstar! And don't you forget it.......
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