One of the suggestions I received for a post was to share something about myself that I wouldn't normally share.
This rules out any talk of bodily functions, wardrobe malfunctions or screaming banshee children. I have very few personal boundaries, so in order to tell you something I wouldn't normally, I have to get painfully honest. That doesn't sound like much fun.
When I started writing this, I had decided to tell you how much I hated answering the question - "So, where did you go to college?" Because, of course, I didn't. I had intended to take a year off, then go to a performing arts school and have a life in theater in some capacity. But I never went back, and for the past 20 odd years, I have waved it off with the comment, "Life happens."
The truth is, I was scared. I never went because I was afraid someone was going to sit in front of me and tell me what I already knew - that I was good, but not good enough. That I could work hard and practice and devote my life to theater and it would never be enough to make me into something I wasn't. Unwillingly to fail, unwillingly to be mediocre, unwilling to try, I gave up.
While I would never change the path my life has taken, not trying remains my greatest regret.
It's a problem for me, the not trying. No sooner do I commit to something than I start planning my exit strategy. If ever I'm presented with a challenge, there is always a reason I can't get it done. Rather than take the chance, I expend all my energy on getting the hell out. It is so much easier, the well traveled path. I love my rut - it is cozy and warm and safe, and I know well and navigate with ease the little bumps it contains.
There are things I want to do, but just typing this, just thinking about it, my throat is lumpy and my eyes are hot with tears. If I fail, will my family stop loving me? Will my friends desert me? Will my life change in any measurable way? No. So why do I find it so hard to just stop with all the bullshit and take the first step? I am comfortable with who I am, and hopeful of who I could be, and so very unsure of getting there.
2 weeks ago