In my ten years as a parent, I have picked countless boogers, wiped umpteen butts, been spat upon and shat upon, bled on, snotted on, and had my personal space invaded by the bodily fluids of others in the most unpleasant ways. Once, one of the babies even barfed in my mouth. That is a special kind of fucking gross.
Yet none of that skeeves me out quite as much as sharing a drink with one of my children. Particularly a drink with a straw.
Here's the way it generally goes:
Child: Can I have some of your drink?
Me: No, it's Coke. You can't have soda.
Child: But I'm FIRRRRRSTY.
Me: No. It's Coke. It's bad for you.
Child: Please? Please? PLEASE?
Me: OK, fine. FINE. Stop yelling. Chew and swallow your food.
Now, this is the important part. Because the child will make a big show of chewing and swallowing their food, but they actually pocket a small amount of food in those cute, chubby little cheeks. They are like little drink-ruining squirrels, holding on to their nut until they get my drink into their grubby little squirrelly hands and their mouths around my straw and then proceed to shoot that nastiness down through the straw and into the cup.
Except unlike squirrels, it's never a nice big acorn, it's always something like mushed up boloney or french fries or cheese....oh lord, CHEESE is the worst. I weep thinking of all the beverages I've had ruined by a wad of spitty cheese.
They take their big, great, sucking swallows and the cheese is traveling up and down the straw and all the time I'm fighting the urge to throw up. And then they release the straw and hand it back, except it's still attached to them by the longest string of spit in the world. And I find myself saying -
Go ahead. You can finish it.
I remember seeing a clip of Kate Gosselin denying her kids a drink from her water bottle before they went on the Today show. Everyone was up in arms. What a bitch! Won't even share her drink with her poor, thirsty babies! Questionable ethics and hair extensions aside, I totally identified with her at that moment. If ever I find myself seconds before appearing on national television, the last thing I want is the distraction of floaties in my drink.
So, Kelly - tell us about your new bestselling book!
Huh? I'm sorry, I...uh...what the hell? Is that cheese?
2 weeks ago