Non-Biblical Lessons from Vacation Bible School

You may remember a month or so ago when I smoked a bunch of crack and volunteered to run the nursery during vacation bible school. Well, the crack-fog has cleared and the week is here and I have already learned several important things.

1. A Friend Will Save Your Ass: At zero hour (seriously, like walking down to the nursery on Monday morning) it occurred to me that I was in charge of four 2 year old girls and one 16 month old boy (my own) and I was not going to be able to pee for 3 hours. I passed my friend K- who said "Oh, they don't need me, I'm going home." to which I replied "Oh, no you're not." I would be curled up in the corner of the nursery while the babies pelted me with Veggie Tales DVDs if it weren't for K-. Thank you, I owe you big time.

2. Two Year Olds Aren't Interested in the Curriculum: I had a lesson plan. A LESSON PLAN! Monday we were going to talk about God's animals. I squatted down in front of a little girl and said "What is your favorite animal in God's kingdom?" and she said "Bitch, please!". Okay, she really said "So fwee!" but everyone knows that is bitch, please in toddler talk.

3. Most Little Kids Are Going to Cry: When mommy drops them off with a strange lady, even when the lady is in a room full of awesome toys. Sometimes they cry a lot, and they produce massive amounts of liquid that seeps out of their heads, onto you. Some of this liquid is gross. Other kids' liquid is always somewhat grosser than your own kids'. Go figure. Also, all the things that comfort your own children? Yeah, they terrify other kids. 

4. Two Year Olds Are Interested in Nothing: For more than 2 minutes. Except maybe snack. My fabulous idea of sidewalk chalk held their attention approximately 1 1/2 minutes before one of them was drawing on the building, another was trying to get back inside, another was trying to escape, and one was eating mulch. And speaking of eating mulch -

5. Two Year Olds Will Eat Anything: Play Doh is especially popular. And if they don't eat it, they 'pretend' to eat it. Except when you're two, 'pretend' means lick it, and roll it around in your mouth before you spit it out into your hand, then give it to me.

6. If A Kid is Lying on the Ground Crying, and Another Kid is Lying on Top of Them, Check for Bite Marks: Especially when the kid on top is your own, sweet, precious, special snowflake. Who would never, ever take a big bite out of a little girl, when you're supposed to be watching them. It was only slightly mortifying.

And it's only Tuesday! I have to admit, the kids are very sweet and fun and two is a great (if exhausting) age. I'm glad to help out. And absolutely positive I'll never be a preschool teacher.