Thursday, November 10, 2011

The Brains of the Operation

I've managed to get through almost 40 years without knowing too much about anything. I pride myself on the fact that I know just enough to not sound like a complete dummy, but not enough to actually be considered an authority on anything.

"But you're super smart!" says The Husband, mainly because he wants to remain The Husband.
"Yeah? About what?"
"Oh, you know. About cooking. About books. About..."
"Exactly." I say.

That's all I have going for me - I can read. I can even read recipes. 

We have this little game, he and I, that I like to refer to as "No, You're a Dumbass". I'm actually the only one who plays it, so I guess it's really my game. It goes something like this: The Husband makes yet another brilliant remark that makes me want to punch him in the fucking throat. Some time later (maybe hours, maybe days), he makes a really stupid remark. I then jump all over it and ride it to the ends of the earth. I call my friends about it. I post on Facebook about it. I blog about it.

One time, we were playing a game of Trivial Pursuit and the question was something along the lines of "What island is best known blah blah blah..." and he answered Rhode Island.

RHODE ISLAND. Hahahaha! Rhode Island is not an island! NO! YOU'RE A DUMBASS!

I have brought up Rhode Island five or six million times since he said it, 20 years ago. It remains my number one piece of evidence that he is not nearly as smart as he thinks he is. RHODE ISLAND! What a dumbass.

Some people might think it's a little pathetic that I have to tear him down to make myself feel better. Some people would be right. The fact is, he's really really very smart about a wide variety of subjects. I will say something random about stopping at the gas station and he'll give me a 15 minute lecture on the history of tires. Not only does he know things, he retains things. I will hear a story on the radio about a guy named Jim who runs an alligator farm in Florida and by the time I get home, they are breeding alligators in a gym to eat the tourists in Florida.

Snopes was made for people like me.

We'll sit down to watch TV and he'll turn on some mind numbing program about black holes or how ball bearings are made (and I don't even know what the shit a ball bearing is, for the record) and I will completely lose my mind. My brain goes totally blank and I'm staring at the screen dumbly and he says something like "Wow, you are really getting into it." But what he doesn't know is that I've mentally wandered and am thinking about really important stuff, like how many mini-marshmallows I can fit into my mouth at once.

So I suppose I'll have to be content with being the less-smart of the two of us, and hang my hat on being the prettier one.

And we'll always have Rhode Island.


  1. This is my life. Only, the part where you say "The Husband is smarter," substitute out for the words "the sons are smarter." Oh, so much fun to be corrected by a five-year-old! in front of his teacher! or your mother-in-law! more than once a day! good times!

    The upside is, both of my sons will be surgeons or lawyers or lawyer-surgeons and make like a gazillion dollars which will pay very nicely for my oceanfront villa retirement home.

    See? Being dumb has its perks.


  2. "Rhodes" is an island, figure out how to be sneaky and work it into another 'victory' you can use for another couple of decades.

    Rhodes (Greek: Ρόδος, Ródos, [ˈroðos]) is an island in Greece, located in the eastern Aegean Sea. It is the largest of the Dodecanese islands in terms of both land area and population, with a population of 117,007,] and also the island group's historical capital. Administratively the island forms a separate municipality within the Rhodes peripheral unit, which is part of the South Aegean Periphery. The principal town of the island and seat of the municipality is Rhodes. The city of Rhodes had 53,709 inhabitants in 2001. It is located northeast of Crete, southeast of Athens and southwest of the Anatolian coast in Turkey.
    Historically, Rhodes was famous worldwide for the Colossus of Rhodes, one of the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World. The medieval Old Town of the City of Rhodes has been declared a World Heritage Site. Today, it is one of the most popular tourist destinations in Europe.

  3. I'm one of the smartest people I know, about like, everything.

    And ball bearings reduce friction so that things like washing machines and wheels on skateboards move smoothly.

    I can't however tell you a single thing about non-art history usually, because I don't give a damn about wars (that is I don't like them so I thought about boys genitals instead of lessons on wars when I was in school).

    I can also tell you a lot about male genitals.

  4. MOV, I, too, am counting on my children to provide for me eventually. They are already snpmarter than I am.

    Boston, that sounds like it may take more skill than I possess. (and do you know that I opened my mother's pantry yesterday and what was in there but Head Country BBQ sauce! I about fell over! She had some while visiting a friend in Tulsa, and brought it home! I can't wait to try it.)

    JRose: GENITALS!

    thanks, Ang!