I hemmed and hawed, chewing my lip and furrowing my brow, weighing my words; measuring the necessity of speaking them against the age of the child asking the question. Finally, I spoke -
"Do you know what rape is?"
***
Two summers ago, Katie saw me reading To Kill A Mockingbird. Attracted by the title, and by the picture of a young girl on the cover, she said, "Can I read that?"
She was 8 at the time, and too young in every regard. But it wasn't the larger theme of racism that gave me pause, it was the non-rape. Here was a kid who didn't yet know about sex, did I want her exposed to even the suggestion of such a horrible crime? The answer was, clearly, no.
Every parent dreams of the things they will teach their children. How to ride a bike, catch a ball, read. No parent ever says 'Oh, I can't wait to sit down and tell Susie all about domestic violence!'. We spend a good deal of time sheltering them from harm, protecting them from the truths of an adult world: Most people are good. Some are bad. Some are very, very bad.
We take our time revealing things, because the horror of it all would devastate a child. It is devastating enough as it is. I remember the first glimpses I had of my parents as fallible creatures. Or the first time I was treated unfairly by a teacher. I am the result of a good childhood, mostly exempt of trauma. Still, I recall realizing that there are people who want nothing more than to hurt other people. It was shocking.
***
We've been waiting to hear what the spring production of the local community theater is going to be, as Katie wants to audition. I saw the news yesterday, so when she got in the car after school, I told her -
"It's To Kill a Mockingbird."
"What's it about?"
And so I told her, and we talked about racism and classism. We talked about the book, and I told her we'd read it together. We talked about the goodness and decency of people who friend the friendless, and stand up for the ignored. She asked me, in the voice of innocence, with a belief in all that is right, 'What was the crime?' And I took a deep breath, looked her in the eye, and said -
"Do you know what rape is?"
5 days ago
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It's not easy being a parent. It's a wonderful blessing, but it's not easy.
ReplyDeleteYou are such a brave parent! My girls are younger and so we have not had too many big talks. I had to explain what spanking was and it broke my heart to see the horror on their faces as they began to understand. It is not an easy thing to have to reveal that the world is not all Christmas presents and play dates, there are bad things out there and they need to be very careful.
ReplyDeleteI've got no children but I can tell you my reading was not ever censored as a child (yes, yes I did read Judy Blume's Wifey at 8...I largely didn't understand it) and what I believe it did for me is give me opportunities to ask some hard questions with some context. It was easier for my mom to explain a concept that was fictionalized than try to connect the dots for me without example.
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