I've been pretty open with you all here. I've talked about my mustache and my meat apron and my underwear. I have shared my deepest fears and my wildest hopes. But there is something I haven't told you.
I am an awesome dancer.
Oh sure, you're thinking, maybe you can two step or do the Electric Slide or some other honky line dance.
No. I am an awesome dancer. If So You Think You Can Dance had me on, they'd have to change the name to All Y'All Other People Go Home, Because This Bitch Can Bust a Move. And the guide on DirecTV couldn't handle that. I've never received any formal training, although I have seen Breakin' like fifteen times. The movie Dirty Dancing was loosely based on an episode between me and a bellboy at a Hyatt hotel. The Patrick Swayze character was based on me, of course.
I'll never forget the first time I did a routine in front of an audience. The year was 1988, and Donna Rosfeld's parents were out of town. We were having a slumber party in the basement, I had already had like one and a half wine coolers, and My Prerogative came on the radio. I had no choice but to dance.
"Holy shit." said Donna.
"Dude, I am going to puke." said my friend Melanie* though I'd like to think that was from the Bartles & James, not me and Bobby Brown.
They asked me to reprise my performance at every subsequent sleepover. They recognized greatness when they saw it.
Now, I am older and jigglier, but I still have it. The Husband will put on some music and say "Show us your moves!" and the children clamor, "Dance, Mommy! Dance!" They may start out dancing with me, but end up just watching. Smiling and laughing to tears, because my awesomeness brings them so much joy.
*Melanie actually did puke that night, a LOT. It was red and horrible and we were convinced she was bleeding internally. When you are underage and drinking, even the possibility that your best friend is bleeding internally has to be carefully weighed against the possibility of getting in trouble. Luckily, she remembered she'd eaten a large bag of Boston Baked Beans while we were watching Top Gun earlier that night.
2 weeks ago